Poverty and blessing

If at any point I prayed that God would "cleanse me with hyssop", he has delivered.  I still hold to my pride, but God endures in his disciplining of his child.  I get so angry, I feel I have no reason at all to be proud any more, but yet I hold to it.  I got married, she left me.  I pursued a PhD, and I failed and left.  I have a military career, but I was demoted because of fitness standards, and I can't remember so much as how to start the plane I'm supposedly qualified to fix.  I feel as though I'm not good at anything.  I've failed, and all I have left is the prayer of the Puritans.

"If thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be thou.
Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies.
Help me to honor thee by believing before I feel."

Amen.  I know my Father is good, even if he doesn't somehow give me the motivation to work out.  Even if I don't have the time to get back into the PhD program.  Even if I never date again.  If my career until I die will be to forever be a pharmacy tech, I know that my Father is good.  He has made me poor and vile.  I depend on him, and trust him.  I desire to reenter the PhD program and pass my fitness exam with excellent scores, but more than anything else, I want to honor God by depending on him for faith, and life, and being.

One thing I don't understand is what it means to work in the power of Christ, in the power of the Spirit.  In matters of faith, I know that I trust in Christ for salvation.  I'm saved because I have his righteousness.  But does that mean I'm on my own when it comes to things like fitness and educational success?  Does God only care that I succeed or fail while believing in the finished work of Christ for reconciliation with the Father?  I know that repentance should mean that I think of myself less.  So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.

God help me.

Assurance in the promise

Romans 4:13 For the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith. 14 For if it is the adherents of the law who are to be the heirs, faith is null and the promise is void. 15 For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression. 16 That is why it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring--not only to the adherent of the law but also to the one who shares the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all, 17 as it is written, "I have made you the father of many nations"--in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist.

Throughout the time which I was struggling with belief, I had no idea how I could consider myself a believer.  After all, believers are supposed to be changed people.  This is true, but the promises don't rest on a changed life, they result in a changed life.  What kind of assurance do I have that I will come to the end of my life and wake up an heir to the world?  That's the question that I seek to answer now.  In the above passage we read of "the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world".  We know that Abraham's children are those who are of Abraham's faith, namely you, dear reader, and me if we have come to a saving faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ.  We are therefore recipients of the promise to Abraham, and are heirs of the world.  Before I go on, think about that.  Selah for a minute!  You are going to inherit the world.  This means that any object, person, or ideal that you and I are unwilling to wager in our service to God is an abused idol which has made a sucker out of us, and we are no smarter than a child who is unwilling to surrender his chocolate chips to the cookie dough because he doesn't understand that he will get them back, perfected.

But we aren't really that dumb, what we lack is assurance.  Abraham wasn't dumb either, yet he was uncertain, and he went to God for assurance, and in verse 16 above, we have a stark contrast between the two answers which God could have given him.  He could give him an answer that is according to Law or an answer that is according to grace.  Let's read the dialogue between Abraham and God.

Genesis 15:2 But Abram said,  "O Lord God, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?”3 And Abram said, “Behold, you have given me no offspring, and a member of my household will be my heir.” 4 And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: “This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.” 5 And he brought him outside and said, “Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” 6 And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.

7 And he said to him, “I am the Lord who brought you out from Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to possess.” 8 But [Abram] said, “O Lord God, how am I to know that I shall possess it?” 

This is absolutely pivotal, so I pause here to emphasize (partly to myself as I write it) what is at stake here.  I MUST know the answer to this question.  How do I KNOW that I will arrive, at the end of my life, faith in tact, trusting in Jesus, having lived a life of repentance which shows fruit commensurate with saving faith?  Or, to put the question in terms presented in these passages, how do I know that I will possess the world?  How do I know that I will receive the promise?  How do I know that having placed my faith in God for salvation, that I will wake up from the sleep of death a victorious inheritor of life?

Let's hear God's answer.

9 [God] said to him, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a female goat three years old, a ram three years old, a turtledove, and a young pigeon.”10 And he brought him all these, cut them in half, and laid each half over against the other. But he did not cut the birds in half. 11 And when birds of prey came down on the carcasses, Abram drove them away.

Tim Keller has pointed out that as soon as God had said "Bring me a heifer, a goat, a ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon," Abraham knew exactly what was going on.  God was going to make a covenant.  Abraham would cut the animals in half and form an aisle (as Keller points out, notice God didn't have to tell Abraham to do this).  God was going to tell Abraham the terms of the covenant, and then God and Abraham would walk down the aisle symbolizing their willingness to end up in the same pitiful state as the animals if they don't hold up their end of the covenant.  But God does something shocking.

12 As the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell on Abram. And behold, dreadful and great darkness fell upon him. 13 Then the Lord said to Abram, “Know for certain that your offspring will be sojourners in a land that is not theirs and will be servants there, and they will be afflicted for four hundred years. 14 But I will bring judgment on the nation that they serve, and afterward they shall come out with great possessions. 15 As for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you shall be buried in a good old age. 16 And they shall come back here in the fourth generation, for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete.”

17 When the sun had gone down and it was dark, behold, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch passed between these pieces. 18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying, “To your offspring I givethis land, from the river of Egypt to the great river, the river Euphrates...."

Every once in a while a covenant would be made where only one person would walk down the aisle, as if to say, "The terms of this contract will be fulfilled by me.  I will see to it that the contract is carried out or I will be torn in two like these dead animals."  Keller again points out that the flaming torch and smoking fire pot was probably very much like the column of fire the Israelites saw in the wilderness.  One might suppose that Abraham stood up, ready to do his part by walking down the aisle when he was knocked off his feet by a bolt of lightning which struck the entrance to the aisle, and held its form.  I imagine that this is the time when Abraham understood what God meant.  As Abraham repeated back in his mind what God had just said, "I will bring judgement on the nation your offspring serve.  I will give your offspring this land.  You will be buried at a good old age," he watched as the shaft of lightning passed through the pieces alone.  Consider this, dear reader, God passed through the pieces alone.  If you, having placed your faith in Christ for salvation, Christ who is the "yes" and "amen" to God's promises, if you do not wake up from death as an inheritor of the world, omnipotent God offers up his immutable body to be torn in two and all of creation will perish.  Christ was indeed Abraham's offspring, he has earned the inheritance that the Israelites did not, and we are found in Christ by faith, and God will not go back on his promise.  Your inheritance is SURE, dear reader.

Confidence in an uncertain world?  If your rich uncle left you an inheritance of ten million dollars and you only had to wait till Monday of next week to get it, would that change your week?  Would the plans you had before be put on hold as your life takes on a whole new meaning?  The things you could accomplish, the good you could do, the ministries you could start, the goods and services that would be at your disposal!  Now suppose you found out that your uncle had a great deal of debt which he never settled.  The inheritance would indeed be yours on Monday, but there's a chance that paying off the debt MIGHT reduce the amount you received, in fact after your uncle's affairs are settled on Monday you might get no money at all.  What would become of those plans you had made?  

What has become of all of the risks you will be taking for Christ, since you are so unsure of your inheritance, or your confidence in the imagery of Heaven you hear about, or your confidence that the life of a Christian is a life of joy and hope and light burdens.  What becomes of our willingness to be vulnerable and submissive to our church, we who are so unsure that the world is ours and cannot be lost, even if we lose it because of our submission to the church.  Consider this, dear reader.  God has passed through the pieces alone.  Your part is only to receive the promise.  The changed life can come later.  God will do both his end AND your end of the covenant, you who through faith have received righteousness by grace.

Soli Deo gloria.

Dan's search for meaning - in work

An interesting book to read has been Every Good Endeavor by Tim Keller.  In it he explains the Biblical view of the dignity of work.  It's been both a joy and a challenge to reflect on my own work in light of it.  A joy because I see that no matter what I do for work, the work itself becomes infused with holy relevance because 1) it is done as a service to God (obviously) and 2) because it is a service to man, who was made in God's image.  The prayer "Give us this day our daily bread" is answered by God not with manna from heaven, but with a baker.  The baker can truly say that he is a gift from God to humanity.  In light of this, how silly it would be for him to then make his bread poorly? or with negligence so that it burns? or even to be boastful except in Christ who's finished work alone allows God to look on the baker with such love that God  would condescend himself to employ the man in holy occupation?

But I said that it was also a challenge.  It's a challenge because I fear that this revelation has come too late to save my position in the biology lab.  And further, even having received this revelation, would it make a difference were I to return?  Truth seems to penetrate my heart like rainwater penetrates marble.  I have much more to say on this, but it seems like a good time to drop some truth on this subject matter.  The answer weighs more heavily on me than does my desire to record the thoughts that I had on the matter.  My heart truly is hard, and the only remedy for that is the Spirit, and the Spirit is poured out by believing the word of God.  God said that he would GIVE YOU a new heart, and that the Spirit dwells within the believer.

1 Corinthians 3:16

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?

2 Timothy 1:14
By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you.

Romans 8:11
If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

Jesus is a life-giving Spirit.  The Holy Spirit morphs us into the image and glory of God as we behold the Gospel.

2 Corinthians 3:18
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

This transformation comes from the Spirit, who lives within us, and who lived within me during my time of apostacy.  I shut God out, I didn't love him.  I feel even now the tugging of gravity against me to drag me back down into that place.  I almost want to go back.  I feel that it is only the hand of God holding me, almost against my will, above the surface and in his grace.  While I was faithless, he was faithful.  While I was dead, he made me alive.  WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD ACCEPT SOMEONE UNDER THOSE TERMS!?  What kind of love does God have that he would allow someone with no heart for religion into his house?  slay his holy Son?  adopt me against my will into his family?  to break my heart and mold it so that it, at all cost to Himself, would truly be thankful for the gift of life... and love and affection.

So the answer, dear reader, is that God changes the heart as we understand the Gospel.  It wasn't my intention to prove myself wrong, to show that truth does indeed penetrate my heart, but this is how blogs go when the wandering mind is allowed to drive the fingers.  So, if you have been gracious enough to me to read this far, I will give you the mercy of a conclusion.

My question was whether or not this truth would change my actions at work.  Indeed, I see that my sense of duty to a God who has done so much has already caused me to stay my tongue at work (now at a Walmart Pharmacy) when I am tempted to reply rudely to a rude coworker.  So maybe.  Maybe this revelation that my work and experiences are infused with holy purpose would drive me to act like my work at the bench has a purpose in heaven, which indeed it must, if Keller and Victor Frankl (Man's Search for Meaning) are correct.  Perhaps this result is what is meant by the Spirit giving life to our mortal bodies.  I think it is.

So God bought me beer and wings

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know Who holds tomorrow.  God has not left me with any needs, and what needs I feel I have, I know that he will provide.  All of my bills have been paid up until now.  But the problem?  I want to minister to this guy I worked, to hang out with him, strengthen his faltering faith, and introduce him to my gospel-centered community, but I have no money.  Literally, I would not have a whole dollar to spend on beer and wings.  The strangest thing happened, though.  This morning, after we were done at the gym, I just said, "So you wanna grab some beer and wings this evening?"  Why did I ask that?  I have no money!  I knew, not even in the back of my mind, I mean at the forefront I knew, I just knew that God would provide the money to get beer and wings.  He did want beer and wings so we parted ways and on the drive home I was wondering, 'How in the world am I going to get money for beer and wings?'  Then I remembered, and I eagerly (even while I was driving, for shame) started logging on to the account into which my Air National Guard check gets deposited because THEY HADN'T PAID ME FOR MY LAST GUARD DRILL YET!!! :-D  And of course, that is how God bought my beer and wings.  Tonight, we dine on Garlic Parmesan wings and Hefeweizen! 
So is this what it's like to work for God?  Constantly wondering how God will provide only to be surprised at the end when he pulls through?  I know that the Father didn't pull through for Christ on the cross specifically so that he CAN pull through for us now.  I'm glad for these tangible examples of God's love for his children.  I'm actually excited to minister to my brothers and sisters, and I'm happy for God to float the bill, both literally and figuratively.  I know that he works for us, for our happiness and to his glory.
Thank you, Father for being so good for me.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I know that there are innumerable ways that my enemy will try to pull me away from you and back into despair.  Indeed, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that you are the God of tomorrow, just like you have shown yourself to be the God of today.  I know that you will meet all my needs according to your riches and Glory.  Help me only to trust; help me in my disbelief.

Soli Deo Gloria

Under attack again

Why am I now feeling hopeless again?  I just spoke with Ian about it, but I can't really remember what he said.  It's so unfair.  Why can't I even remember so I can preach the Gospel to myself effectively?  Does God not care, or want me to have faith in him?  That can't be, since he sent Christ to the Cross to win my salvation at all cost to himself.  But where is my joy?  Where is my peace that passes understanding?  Why do I not care when I'm told about Jesus, who at all cost to himself paid for the sins that have brought me so low?  It is not RIGHT for me to not care!  I have no joy in the generosity of others, even of a God who has taken me in as his own.  My head aches as I beg God to help me to rest in him.  My prayers are so filled with stress that I'm afraid I'm going to sweat blood. God, if you don't save me, then I'm lost!  I need you to serve me so I can be grateful.  I need you to bring me a job so I can provide and give generously.  I need you to remind me of these things, and I need your mercy to be new in the morning.  I want to be swept up in your mission, and I want you to be the one glorified for it.  Give me this grace, Father, and I will glorify your name.  You do all the work; I do all the receiving.  I get all the benefits; you get all the glory.  Just as it should be, my Father.

A job that is stretched over an inflated ego

What I miss about being a scientist is the ability to preface my statements with the authoritative claim of being a member of the field about which I'm speaking; thus, to be the one with the most important opinion in the room. To be, in fact, the most important person in the room.  I wanted to become a competent scientist so that I can speak authoritatively about Creationism.  The way that PhD scientists could call people to account if they didn't believe in a 6-day creation was enviable, and I wanted it.  Oh if only I could become a scientist also!  People would think twice before disagreeing with me, or at least hold their hat in their hands when they do so.  I do actually enjoy learning and understanding, but this doesn't seem to be enough to get me to the goal of a PhD, and what hurts the most is the loss of the authority that the title brings.  But being in this situation where I am possibly no longer pursuing a PhD has given me a unique vantage point.  Seeing who I was while pursuing a PhD, what drove me, what I longed for, the way I related to people when discussing things like Science, Creationism, Cancer, Medical Ethics, it makes me wonder how could I ever truly love someone when I so badly wanted to get the intellectual upper hand.  How could I even love my job under those circumstances?

Now I have fits of enjoyment when I speak to people about cancer, or when I am able to look down on some self-congratulatory statement by an atheist who claims to be the holder of "reason" and "thoughtfulness", when it is in fact I who am pursuing a PhD.  But it's nothing more than me still fighting for my pride like a madman, like Macbeth still fighting for his sovereignty after Birnam forest was on his doorstep.  How dreadful would I have been if I had achieved what I sought after?  When people praised me for my great work and sought me out as the one who had the answers?  I would never need God again.  I would stretch my audience and my friends out over my inflated ego, maybe write a book or two.  Don't I already get angry when I'm not able to get my own points in during my bible study? or worse, when someone else makes the point that I was wanting to make?  When the silence is too short for me to speak up and still appear humble.  I MUST appear thoughtful and intelligent.  It's no wonder I am ruined after failing a grad program, and getting demoted in the Guard, and in addition, now it looks like I'm not all that theologically competent either.  It's obvious I can't hack it.

This is what happens when you try to stretch something temporal over the space that only God can fill.  Only God can hold form when positioned to fill the ego.  You try to cover the sore left by an empty ego with anything other than God's opinion of you, and you will tear that thing.  It is unloving to try to lean on people to be the constant source of identity (good father, good teacher, competent lover, cherished husband) and irresponsible to try to lean on hobbies or occupation (moving to the top, knowledgeable craftsman, good work out there).  God does not need me to offer competence to him, he has all the competence he needs in the Spirit's work in the hearts of his people.  I can stop working to try to build up a justifying resume.  That work was already done in Christ, and I have HIS resume, HIS competence, HIS curriculum vitae.

Now what do I do?  Repent of the way that I have built up an identity outside of Christ.  Believe that I am sufficient and loved by the Father no less if I am less intellectual and no more if I am more intellectual.  Use what I know as a springboard toward repentance and faith in Christ, both for myself and for others.  In love, point to Christ, not trying to draw attention to myself, but appreciating that the Spirit is the one leading discussions, and he will draw all men to Christ, and save those whom the Father has given to Christ, and how blessed am I if I am a tool in His hand.

Feeling intense panic... a lot

Fear and panic often fills my heart almost literally, and my heart fills with a strong dull pain because of the panic.  I want to run.  Even in my dreams, it can be so frightening because I can't move.  Fear.  So afraid.  Panic.  Heart racing.  I need to get up and leave.  Where do I go?  Everyone can betray me and force me into this place that I fear, and the more I think of that fact the more afraid I am!  WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL!?  Yet...

Psalm 27
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
  whom shall I fear?
 The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
  of whom shall I be afraid?
  When evildoers assail me
  to eat up my flesh,
 my adversaries and foes,
  it is they who stumble and fall.
  Though an army encamp against me,
  my heart shall not fear;
 though war arise against me,
  yet I will be confident.
  One thing have I asked of the LORD,
  that will I seek after:
 that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
  all the days of my life,
 to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
  and to inquire in his temple.
  For he will hide me in his shelter
  in the day of trouble;
 he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
  he will lift me high upon a rock.
  And now my head shall be lifted up
  above my enemies all around me,
 and I will offer in his tent
  sacrifices with shouts of joy;
 I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
  Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
  be gracious to me and answer me!
 You have said, “Seek my face.”
 My heart says to you,
  “Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
  Hide not your face from me.
 Turn not your servant away in anger,
  O you who have been my help.
 Cast me not off; forsake me not,
  O God of my salvation!
 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
  but the LORD will take me in.
  Teach me your way, O LORD,
  and lead me on a level path
  because of my enemies.
 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
  for false witnesses have risen against me,
  and they breathe out violence.
  I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
  in the land of the living!
 Wait for the LORD;
  be strong, and let your heart take courage;
  wait for the LORD!

I know the God whom I trust will not utterly forsake me.  Only my older brother Jesus went all the way to Hell, and all the reasons that God has for sending me are swallowed up in His sacrafice for me.  And I know that even if I must be handed over to my tormenters, I will be storing up a weight of glory that will endure for all ages and sing with unrelenting light the praise of my Father in heaven. 
Father, you have not promised that I will not endure torment, but I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses who spur me on toward faith in your goodness no matter what may come.  Thank you Father that I can be comforted in all circumstances.  Thank you for sending Jesus to take the torment that I deserved, and left me only with your pleasure looking ever down on me, reclining against your chest.