I don't really know what it is that I want. I have no job anymore, and I owe more money this month than I actually have. All I want to do really is sit here and play video games and watch TV shows. Yet right now, I sit here bored with all of them, and I'm left with... want. I want something, but I can't have whatever it is.
Maybe in a future post I'll have to explain what has happened in the last several weeks. Suffice it to say, I am racked back and forth like a ping pong ball between hope and despair. I've never felt so much of both, yet never at the same time. Both physically and spiritually, I experience hope-filled despair. I know that what I truly want at the bottom of my idolatry is God himself. No matter the depths I fall, as I begin to lose everything, I know that his love is ever on me. Perhaps this is the fire which causes the dross to rise. What will I be in the end?
The Spirit has preserved me with and through the love and ministry of my church. They will continue to encourage me to depend on the Spirit. But... why is everything that I must do so impossible? Why must prayer be so quick to quicken my body in rebellion against it? I can't pray for more than a few seconds before I feel hopelessly outmatched by the will of my mind to push prayer from my head. How can I hope to actually develop any kind of discipline in anything?
God help me. I wouldn't be alive now without you. Now I know that tomorrow, my hope is quite literally only in you. Rouse yourself and come quickly to my aid. God help me.
Maybe in a future post I'll have to explain what has happened in the last several weeks. Suffice it to say, I am racked back and forth like a ping pong ball between hope and despair. I've never felt so much of both, yet never at the same time. Both physically and spiritually, I experience hope-filled despair. I know that what I truly want at the bottom of my idolatry is God himself. No matter the depths I fall, as I begin to lose everything, I know that his love is ever on me. Perhaps this is the fire which causes the dross to rise. What will I be in the end?
The Spirit has preserved me with and through the love and ministry of my church. They will continue to encourage me to depend on the Spirit. But... why is everything that I must do so impossible? Why must prayer be so quick to quicken my body in rebellion against it? I can't pray for more than a few seconds before I feel hopelessly outmatched by the will of my mind to push prayer from my head. How can I hope to actually develop any kind of discipline in anything?
God help me. I wouldn't be alive now without you. Now I know that tomorrow, my hope is quite literally only in you. Rouse yourself and come quickly to my aid. God help me.
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