Poverty and blessing

If at any point I prayed that God would "cleanse me with hyssop", he has delivered.  I still hold to my pride, but God endures in his disciplining of his child.  I get so angry, I feel I have no reason at all to be proud any more, but yet I hold to it.  I got married, she left me.  I pursued a PhD, and I failed and left.  I have a military career, but I was demoted because of fitness standards, and I can't remember so much as how to start the plane I'm supposedly qualified to fix.  I feel as though I'm not good at anything.  I've failed, and all I have left is the prayer of the Puritans.

"If thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be thou.
Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies.
Help me to honor thee by believing before I feel."

Amen.  I know my Father is good, even if he doesn't somehow give me the motivation to work out.  Even if I don't have the time to get back into the PhD program.  Even if I never date again.  If my career until I die will be to forever be a pharmacy tech, I know that my Father is good.  He has made me poor and vile.  I depend on him, and trust him.  I desire to reenter the PhD program and pass my fitness exam with excellent scores, but more than anything else, I want to honor God by depending on him for faith, and life, and being.

One thing I don't understand is what it means to work in the power of Christ, in the power of the Spirit.  In matters of faith, I know that I trust in Christ for salvation.  I'm saved because I have his righteousness.  But does that mean I'm on my own when it comes to things like fitness and educational success?  Does God only care that I succeed or fail while believing in the finished work of Christ for reconciliation with the Father?  I know that repentance should mean that I think of myself less.  So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.

God help me.

Assurance in the promise

Romans 4:13 For the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith. 14 For if it is the adherents of the law who are to be the heirs, faith is null and the promise is void. 15 For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression. 16 That is why it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring--not only to the adherent of the law but also to the one who shares the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all, 17 as it is written, "I have made you the father of many nations"--in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist.

Throughout the time which I was struggling with belief, I had no idea how I could consider myself a believer.  After all, believers are supposed to be changed people.  This is true, but the promises don't rest on a changed life, they result in a changed life.  What kind of assurance do I have that I will come to the end of my life and wake up an heir to the world?  That's the question that I seek to answer now.  In the above passage we read of "the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world".  We know that Abraham's children are those who are of Abraham's faith, namely you, dear reader, and me if we have come to a saving faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ.  We are therefore recipients of the promise to Abraham, and are heirs of the world.  Before I go on, think about that.  Selah for a minute!  You are going to inherit the world.  This means that any object, person, or ideal that you and I are unwilling to wager in our service to God is an abused idol which has made a sucker out of us, and we are no smarter than a child who is unwilling to surrender his chocolate chips to the cookie dough because he doesn't understand that he will get them back, perfected.

But we aren't really that dumb, what we lack is assurance.  Abraham wasn't dumb either, yet he was uncertain, and he went to God for assurance, and in verse 16 above, we have a stark contrast between the two answers which God could have given him.  He could give him an answer that is according to Law or an answer that is according to grace.  Let's read the dialogue between Abraham and God.

Genesis 15:2 But Abram said,  "O Lord God, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?”3 And Abram said, “Behold, you have given me no offspring, and a member of my household will be my heir.” 4 And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: “This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.” 5 And he brought him outside and said, “Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” 6 And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.

7 And he said to him, “I am the Lord who brought you out from Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to possess.” 8 But [Abram] said, “O Lord God, how am I to know that I shall possess it?” 

This is absolutely pivotal, so I pause here to emphasize (partly to myself as I write it) what is at stake here.  I MUST know the answer to this question.  How do I KNOW that I will arrive, at the end of my life, faith in tact, trusting in Jesus, having lived a life of repentance which shows fruit commensurate with saving faith?  Or, to put the question in terms presented in these passages, how do I know that I will possess the world?  How do I know that I will receive the promise?  How do I know that having placed my faith in God for salvation, that I will wake up from the sleep of death a victorious inheritor of life?

Let's hear God's answer.

9 [God] said to him, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a female goat three years old, a ram three years old, a turtledove, and a young pigeon.”10 And he brought him all these, cut them in half, and laid each half over against the other. But he did not cut the birds in half. 11 And when birds of prey came down on the carcasses, Abram drove them away.

Tim Keller has pointed out that as soon as God had said "Bring me a heifer, a goat, a ram, a turtledove, and a young pigeon," Abraham knew exactly what was going on.  God was going to make a covenant.  Abraham would cut the animals in half and form an aisle (as Keller points out, notice God didn't have to tell Abraham to do this).  God was going to tell Abraham the terms of the covenant, and then God and Abraham would walk down the aisle symbolizing their willingness to end up in the same pitiful state as the animals if they don't hold up their end of the covenant.  But God does something shocking.

12 As the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell on Abram. And behold, dreadful and great darkness fell upon him. 13 Then the Lord said to Abram, “Know for certain that your offspring will be sojourners in a land that is not theirs and will be servants there, and they will be afflicted for four hundred years. 14 But I will bring judgment on the nation that they serve, and afterward they shall come out with great possessions. 15 As for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you shall be buried in a good old age. 16 And they shall come back here in the fourth generation, for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete.”

17 When the sun had gone down and it was dark, behold, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch passed between these pieces. 18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying, “To your offspring I givethis land, from the river of Egypt to the great river, the river Euphrates...."

Every once in a while a covenant would be made where only one person would walk down the aisle, as if to say, "The terms of this contract will be fulfilled by me.  I will see to it that the contract is carried out or I will be torn in two like these dead animals."  Keller again points out that the flaming torch and smoking fire pot was probably very much like the column of fire the Israelites saw in the wilderness.  One might suppose that Abraham stood up, ready to do his part by walking down the aisle when he was knocked off his feet by a bolt of lightning which struck the entrance to the aisle, and held its form.  I imagine that this is the time when Abraham understood what God meant.  As Abraham repeated back in his mind what God had just said, "I will bring judgement on the nation your offspring serve.  I will give your offspring this land.  You will be buried at a good old age," he watched as the shaft of lightning passed through the pieces alone.  Consider this, dear reader, God passed through the pieces alone.  If you, having placed your faith in Christ for salvation, Christ who is the "yes" and "amen" to God's promises, if you do not wake up from death as an inheritor of the world, omnipotent God offers up his immutable body to be torn in two and all of creation will perish.  Christ was indeed Abraham's offspring, he has earned the inheritance that the Israelites did not, and we are found in Christ by faith, and God will not go back on his promise.  Your inheritance is SURE, dear reader.

Confidence in an uncertain world?  If your rich uncle left you an inheritance of ten million dollars and you only had to wait till Monday of next week to get it, would that change your week?  Would the plans you had before be put on hold as your life takes on a whole new meaning?  The things you could accomplish, the good you could do, the ministries you could start, the goods and services that would be at your disposal!  Now suppose you found out that your uncle had a great deal of debt which he never settled.  The inheritance would indeed be yours on Monday, but there's a chance that paying off the debt MIGHT reduce the amount you received, in fact after your uncle's affairs are settled on Monday you might get no money at all.  What would become of those plans you had made?  

What has become of all of the risks you will be taking for Christ, since you are so unsure of your inheritance, or your confidence in the imagery of Heaven you hear about, or your confidence that the life of a Christian is a life of joy and hope and light burdens.  What becomes of our willingness to be vulnerable and submissive to our church, we who are so unsure that the world is ours and cannot be lost, even if we lose it because of our submission to the church.  Consider this, dear reader.  God has passed through the pieces alone.  Your part is only to receive the promise.  The changed life can come later.  God will do both his end AND your end of the covenant, you who through faith have received righteousness by grace.

Soli Deo gloria.

Dan's search for meaning - in work

An interesting book to read has been Every Good Endeavor by Tim Keller.  In it he explains the Biblical view of the dignity of work.  It's been both a joy and a challenge to reflect on my own work in light of it.  A joy because I see that no matter what I do for work, the work itself becomes infused with holy relevance because 1) it is done as a service to God (obviously) and 2) because it is a service to man, who was made in God's image.  The prayer "Give us this day our daily bread" is answered by God not with manna from heaven, but with a baker.  The baker can truly say that he is a gift from God to humanity.  In light of this, how silly it would be for him to then make his bread poorly? or with negligence so that it burns? or even to be boastful except in Christ who's finished work alone allows God to look on the baker with such love that God  would condescend himself to employ the man in holy occupation?

But I said that it was also a challenge.  It's a challenge because I fear that this revelation has come too late to save my position in the biology lab.  And further, even having received this revelation, would it make a difference were I to return?  Truth seems to penetrate my heart like rainwater penetrates marble.  I have much more to say on this, but it seems like a good time to drop some truth on this subject matter.  The answer weighs more heavily on me than does my desire to record the thoughts that I had on the matter.  My heart truly is hard, and the only remedy for that is the Spirit, and the Spirit is poured out by believing the word of God.  God said that he would GIVE YOU a new heart, and that the Spirit dwells within the believer.

1 Corinthians 3:16

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?

2 Timothy 1:14
By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you.

Romans 8:11
If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

Jesus is a life-giving Spirit.  The Holy Spirit morphs us into the image and glory of God as we behold the Gospel.

2 Corinthians 3:18
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

This transformation comes from the Spirit, who lives within us, and who lived within me during my time of apostacy.  I shut God out, I didn't love him.  I feel even now the tugging of gravity against me to drag me back down into that place.  I almost want to go back.  I feel that it is only the hand of God holding me, almost against my will, above the surface and in his grace.  While I was faithless, he was faithful.  While I was dead, he made me alive.  WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD ACCEPT SOMEONE UNDER THOSE TERMS!?  What kind of love does God have that he would allow someone with no heart for religion into his house?  slay his holy Son?  adopt me against my will into his family?  to break my heart and mold it so that it, at all cost to Himself, would truly be thankful for the gift of life... and love and affection.

So the answer, dear reader, is that God changes the heart as we understand the Gospel.  It wasn't my intention to prove myself wrong, to show that truth does indeed penetrate my heart, but this is how blogs go when the wandering mind is allowed to drive the fingers.  So, if you have been gracious enough to me to read this far, I will give you the mercy of a conclusion.

My question was whether or not this truth would change my actions at work.  Indeed, I see that my sense of duty to a God who has done so much has already caused me to stay my tongue at work (now at a Walmart Pharmacy) when I am tempted to reply rudely to a rude coworker.  So maybe.  Maybe this revelation that my work and experiences are infused with holy purpose would drive me to act like my work at the bench has a purpose in heaven, which indeed it must, if Keller and Victor Frankl (Man's Search for Meaning) are correct.  Perhaps this result is what is meant by the Spirit giving life to our mortal bodies.  I think it is.

So God bought me beer and wings

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know Who holds tomorrow.  God has not left me with any needs, and what needs I feel I have, I know that he will provide.  All of my bills have been paid up until now.  But the problem?  I want to minister to this guy I worked, to hang out with him, strengthen his faltering faith, and introduce him to my gospel-centered community, but I have no money.  Literally, I would not have a whole dollar to spend on beer and wings.  The strangest thing happened, though.  This morning, after we were done at the gym, I just said, "So you wanna grab some beer and wings this evening?"  Why did I ask that?  I have no money!  I knew, not even in the back of my mind, I mean at the forefront I knew, I just knew that God would provide the money to get beer and wings.  He did want beer and wings so we parted ways and on the drive home I was wondering, 'How in the world am I going to get money for beer and wings?'  Then I remembered, and I eagerly (even while I was driving, for shame) started logging on to the account into which my Air National Guard check gets deposited because THEY HADN'T PAID ME FOR MY LAST GUARD DRILL YET!!! :-D  And of course, that is how God bought my beer and wings.  Tonight, we dine on Garlic Parmesan wings and Hefeweizen! 
So is this what it's like to work for God?  Constantly wondering how God will provide only to be surprised at the end when he pulls through?  I know that the Father didn't pull through for Christ on the cross specifically so that he CAN pull through for us now.  I'm glad for these tangible examples of God's love for his children.  I'm actually excited to minister to my brothers and sisters, and I'm happy for God to float the bill, both literally and figuratively.  I know that he works for us, for our happiness and to his glory.
Thank you, Father for being so good for me.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I know that there are innumerable ways that my enemy will try to pull me away from you and back into despair.  Indeed, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that you are the God of tomorrow, just like you have shown yourself to be the God of today.  I know that you will meet all my needs according to your riches and Glory.  Help me only to trust; help me in my disbelief.

Soli Deo Gloria

Under attack again

Why am I now feeling hopeless again?  I just spoke with Ian about it, but I can't really remember what he said.  It's so unfair.  Why can't I even remember so I can preach the Gospel to myself effectively?  Does God not care, or want me to have faith in him?  That can't be, since he sent Christ to the Cross to win my salvation at all cost to himself.  But where is my joy?  Where is my peace that passes understanding?  Why do I not care when I'm told about Jesus, who at all cost to himself paid for the sins that have brought me so low?  It is not RIGHT for me to not care!  I have no joy in the generosity of others, even of a God who has taken me in as his own.  My head aches as I beg God to help me to rest in him.  My prayers are so filled with stress that I'm afraid I'm going to sweat blood. God, if you don't save me, then I'm lost!  I need you to serve me so I can be grateful.  I need you to bring me a job so I can provide and give generously.  I need you to remind me of these things, and I need your mercy to be new in the morning.  I want to be swept up in your mission, and I want you to be the one glorified for it.  Give me this grace, Father, and I will glorify your name.  You do all the work; I do all the receiving.  I get all the benefits; you get all the glory.  Just as it should be, my Father.

A job that is stretched over an inflated ego

What I miss about being a scientist is the ability to preface my statements with the authoritative claim of being a member of the field about which I'm speaking; thus, to be the one with the most important opinion in the room. To be, in fact, the most important person in the room.  I wanted to become a competent scientist so that I can speak authoritatively about Creationism.  The way that PhD scientists could call people to account if they didn't believe in a 6-day creation was enviable, and I wanted it.  Oh if only I could become a scientist also!  People would think twice before disagreeing with me, or at least hold their hat in their hands when they do so.  I do actually enjoy learning and understanding, but this doesn't seem to be enough to get me to the goal of a PhD, and what hurts the most is the loss of the authority that the title brings.  But being in this situation where I am possibly no longer pursuing a PhD has given me a unique vantage point.  Seeing who I was while pursuing a PhD, what drove me, what I longed for, the way I related to people when discussing things like Science, Creationism, Cancer, Medical Ethics, it makes me wonder how could I ever truly love someone when I so badly wanted to get the intellectual upper hand.  How could I even love my job under those circumstances?

Now I have fits of enjoyment when I speak to people about cancer, or when I am able to look down on some self-congratulatory statement by an atheist who claims to be the holder of "reason" and "thoughtfulness", when it is in fact I who am pursuing a PhD.  But it's nothing more than me still fighting for my pride like a madman, like Macbeth still fighting for his sovereignty after Birnam forest was on his doorstep.  How dreadful would I have been if I had achieved what I sought after?  When people praised me for my great work and sought me out as the one who had the answers?  I would never need God again.  I would stretch my audience and my friends out over my inflated ego, maybe write a book or two.  Don't I already get angry when I'm not able to get my own points in during my bible study? or worse, when someone else makes the point that I was wanting to make?  When the silence is too short for me to speak up and still appear humble.  I MUST appear thoughtful and intelligent.  It's no wonder I am ruined after failing a grad program, and getting demoted in the Guard, and in addition, now it looks like I'm not all that theologically competent either.  It's obvious I can't hack it.

This is what happens when you try to stretch something temporal over the space that only God can fill.  Only God can hold form when positioned to fill the ego.  You try to cover the sore left by an empty ego with anything other than God's opinion of you, and you will tear that thing.  It is unloving to try to lean on people to be the constant source of identity (good father, good teacher, competent lover, cherished husband) and irresponsible to try to lean on hobbies or occupation (moving to the top, knowledgeable craftsman, good work out there).  God does not need me to offer competence to him, he has all the competence he needs in the Spirit's work in the hearts of his people.  I can stop working to try to build up a justifying resume.  That work was already done in Christ, and I have HIS resume, HIS competence, HIS curriculum vitae.

Now what do I do?  Repent of the way that I have built up an identity outside of Christ.  Believe that I am sufficient and loved by the Father no less if I am less intellectual and no more if I am more intellectual.  Use what I know as a springboard toward repentance and faith in Christ, both for myself and for others.  In love, point to Christ, not trying to draw attention to myself, but appreciating that the Spirit is the one leading discussions, and he will draw all men to Christ, and save those whom the Father has given to Christ, and how blessed am I if I am a tool in His hand.

Feeling intense panic... a lot

Fear and panic often fills my heart almost literally, and my heart fills with a strong dull pain because of the panic.  I want to run.  Even in my dreams, it can be so frightening because I can't move.  Fear.  So afraid.  Panic.  Heart racing.  I need to get up and leave.  Where do I go?  Everyone can betray me and force me into this place that I fear, and the more I think of that fact the more afraid I am!  WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL!?  Yet...

Psalm 27
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
  whom shall I fear?
 The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
  of whom shall I be afraid?
  When evildoers assail me
  to eat up my flesh,
 my adversaries and foes,
  it is they who stumble and fall.
  Though an army encamp against me,
  my heart shall not fear;
 though war arise against me,
  yet I will be confident.
  One thing have I asked of the LORD,
  that will I seek after:
 that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
  all the days of my life,
 to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
  and to inquire in his temple.
  For he will hide me in his shelter
  in the day of trouble;
 he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
  he will lift me high upon a rock.
  And now my head shall be lifted up
  above my enemies all around me,
 and I will offer in his tent
  sacrifices with shouts of joy;
 I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
  Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
  be gracious to me and answer me!
 You have said, “Seek my face.”
 My heart says to you,
  “Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
  Hide not your face from me.
 Turn not your servant away in anger,
  O you who have been my help.
 Cast me not off; forsake me not,
  O God of my salvation!
 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
  but the LORD will take me in.
  Teach me your way, O LORD,
  and lead me on a level path
  because of my enemies.
 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
  for false witnesses have risen against me,
  and they breathe out violence.
  I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
  in the land of the living!
 Wait for the LORD;
  be strong, and let your heart take courage;
  wait for the LORD!

I know the God whom I trust will not utterly forsake me.  Only my older brother Jesus went all the way to Hell, and all the reasons that God has for sending me are swallowed up in His sacrafice for me.  And I know that even if I must be handed over to my tormenters, I will be storing up a weight of glory that will endure for all ages and sing with unrelenting light the praise of my Father in heaven. 
Father, you have not promised that I will not endure torment, but I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses who spur me on toward faith in your goodness no matter what may come.  Thank you Father that I can be comforted in all circumstances.  Thank you for sending Jesus to take the torment that I deserved, and left me only with your pleasure looking ever down on me, reclining against your chest.

Gratitude, Offerings, and Need

He is worthy.  He is powerful enough to provide.  He has provided.  Give from the firstfruits.  So now I've arrived at a theological puzzle.  What was the point of giving of the firstfruits?  So I don't really have enough money to pay the bills, but I've just received a large amount of money from selling my motorcycle.  I don't feel particularly grateful to God for providing for me, but I do feel grateful.  He has shown that he is powerful enough to provide, and I want to give God back a portion of what I have received.  So now I have these two conflicting urges:

One, I feel like it would be irresponsible to give back to God since I haven't even made enough from it to cover the monthly expenses (let alone have enough left over to eat).  Secondly, I know that God will provide the rest because he says that he will provide for all of my needs.  So there's no real danger in giving it.  But then, easy for me to say, what if I had a wife and kids that were depending on that income to be able to eat.  The man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever, right? So do I give despite my need out of my half-hearted feeling of gratitude?

Well, one, I pray that God would provide for me what is lacking in my gratitude.  It's not right for me to be ungrateful, and so take part in humanities greatest and original offense toward God (Romans 1:18-21).  My ingratitude is a stain unworthy of the God who has done so much to preserve me.  Secondly, I pray that God would provide what's left of my bills so that I won't be unashamed of my belief in a God who claims to provide for his children like the birds and lilies.  And third, I pray that God would give me a true and balanced view of how to manage money, burning away my propensity to waste, and play, and play, and play.  I don't want to be someone who gives out of compulsion, but I do want to be someone who trusts God and radically obeys.  Even in a perfect world where sin does not exist, sacrifices of thanksgiving are a right thing.  How much more in a world where God has poured out his love for a wretch like me.  :-)

Knowledge without Repentance

Knowledge without REPENTANCE will be but a torch to light men to hell.  -Thomas Watson.

I get a lot of compliments for my ability to absorb and analyze information, and with a good enough catalyst I often become a teacher in the middle of a study session on a topic I just learned.  This is why I like books like Colossians which emphasize so much on the knowledge of God being so much a part of our salvation.  But today I received two lessons, one is the quote by Thomas Watson at the top of this post, and the second is by Paul Tripp.

"My celebration is theological in a way that's not theology driving me to the foot of this glorious God, it's theology that's driving me to theology that's driving me to theology that's driving me to theology.  Theology is never an end of itself, it's a means to an end, and the end is to take human beings that worship themselves and other things, and to make them true worshipers of God."

 I have always thought that I'm just missing something, some thing, some mental connection that is keeping me from truly experiencing the victorious Christian life.  Some little ingredient in the fertilizer is lacking so my growth is stunted.  Yet my life has never been one of repentance in light of what I already know and am learning.  If I know about God, and yet it doesn't drive me to turn from my wickedness, then my knowledge is only making me a smarter devil, on a higher echelon of sophistication among the damned.  But even knowing this does not save me.  Christ will pray to the Father and send his Spirit to grow fruit in me, and the Spirit will succeed in his work.  I have been faithless, so I must repent of this faithlessness.  I have been impatient, without hope, and without joy.  Just because I know this, does not mean I repent of it.  But now I do.  And he will forgive me and restore me to himself for the sake of his Son, who loved me first and gave himself for me.

Hope-filled despair pong

I don't really know what it is that I want.  I have no job anymore, and I owe more money this month than I actually have.  All I want to do really is sit here and play video games and watch TV shows.  Yet right now, I sit here bored with all of them, and I'm left with... want.  I want something, but I can't have whatever it is.

Maybe in a future post I'll have to explain what has happened in the last several weeks.  Suffice it to say, I am racked back and forth like a ping pong ball between hope and despair.  I've never felt so much of both, yet never at the same time.  Both physically and spiritually, I experience hope-filled despair. I know that what I truly want at the bottom of my idolatry is God himself.  No matter the depths I fall, as I begin to lose everything, I know that his love is ever on me.  Perhaps this is the fire which causes the dross to rise.  What will I be in the end?

The Spirit has preserved me with and through the love and ministry of my church.  They will continue to encourage me to depend on the Spirit.  But... why is everything that I must do so impossible?  Why must prayer be so quick to quicken my body in rebellion against it?  I can't pray for more than a few seconds before I feel hopelessly outmatched by the will of my mind to push prayer from my head.  How can I hope to actually develop any kind of discipline in anything?

God help me.  I wouldn't be alive now without you.  Now I know that tomorrow, my hope is quite literally only in you.  Rouse yourself and come quickly to my aid.  God help me.

Couple day update

I can't really remember very well the moment of my final disbelief.  I guess that's why I have this blog in the first place, so I can remember things... ironically, the point of remembering things is so that I don't fall into disbelief.  Now here I am blogging so I remember how it came about.  So anyway, I'll describe the moment, then I'll comment on my feelings over the last few days.

It was Friday the 16th I believe, but I could be wrong.  Earlier that week I had decided to go on a fast.  My fast started on Friday, and the hunger hit me hard that morning.  About midday, I wanted to start reading papers.  Along with my normal hopeless distractedness, I began to think about how hungry I was.  Suddenly I was absolutely filled with rage.  I hated the idea of fasting because I saw it as a hopeless endeavor to cry out to a God who had been ignoring me all along.  I was furious, and in my mind I pounded my desk.  It was so clear to me at that moment that there is no way I could be intellectually satisfied with the conclusion that I was ever being worked on by God.  God had not called me as his child, and that was why I still struggled with all the trappings of the flesh.  That was why I had no power to overcome sin, and I knew in that moment that if I was an unbeliever, then there was nothing more that could be done, and I stood up, and went and got some food.

Feelings have been quite absent the last few days.  That first day was a day when I was angry, then sad when I listened to the Ravi Zacharias sermon.  I longed for the idea of "deep calls to deep".  Especially since, if I could describe the way I see the world now, it's shallow.  As if there's nothing really underneath the surface of my experience.  But the strangest thing about my feelings is how little I've actually cared about my new status as an unbeliever.  Strong feelings one minute, by the next hour, nothing.  There's got to be some sort of psychological mumbo-jumbo that can explain that.   Anyway, most of the time I feel disinterested in and disconnected from my disbelief.  Then I listen to a sermon about the way that God sees his children... and I feel angry that I would consider going back to that, and that my feelings could start to well up about that hopeless mess of sanctification by faith, as if the Spirit really had any interest in working on me.  Oh look... now I feel hate.

Finally Faithless

2:30 AM on 19 November 2012 

I’m no longer a believer.  Actually it’s been a couple days since I've been a believer.  I honestly cringe at the idea of actually explaining this again, but for the sake of remembering this for the future, I will do so one last time.

I joined Coram Deo about 4 years ago during the “Gospel-Centered Life” series.  I entered through the “side door” of their Missional Communities with my girlfriend at the time.  She and I were looking for a church we could both enjoy, and Coram Deo seemed to fit the bill.  At that time I was in the middle of changing from a Semi-Palagian theology to Calvanism.  I’ve never seen a church like Coram Deo, one that has such a firm grasp of the gospel, and like Luther, seeks to beat it into the heads of their community less they forget it.  Yet along with that, Coram Deo has a firm grasp of the Bible’s doctrine of sanctification.  They understand that as we view Christ in the Gospel, we are made into his image (2 Corinthians 3:18) and that the Holy Spirit moves in our lives as we believe the Gospel (Galatians 3:5).  Yet it is this very doctrine that brings me so much doubt.  How have I changed?  Defeat.  Defeat, and more defeat.  That is my gospel journey over the twelve years of supposedly being a believer.  If the Holy Spirit lives within me, then where is his power?  Why have I only changed in ways that can be accounted for by the fact that I have lived for so long within a gracious and forgiving community?  I have yet to hear a satisfactory answer, and at this point I am barely alive.  I know that feelings must be checked with facts, but these are the facts.  The Holy Spirit has been powerless within me, or he is not within me at all.  And the truth of the matter is, I really don’t care.  The Father freely chose me by his grace when I was in my sins… and yet I don’t really care.  He saved me when I deserved hell, and will receive hell without the faith which he graciously gave me, and it all falls on me with no more weight than the imperceptible dust which falls on my head now.  

How can one be saved when he cares so little for his salvation?  Answer, he cannot.  The lifeless bodies of Ezekiel could not will themselves to grow new ligaments, new hearts, new lungs, and neither can the faithless will themselves the faith to believe.  The Lord must call us to life from the grave, and salvation from death.  I don’t particularly care about Hell, and how can I if I am unsaved?  The unbelieving may care about a Hell of fire, but not the Hell of God’s wrath.  We seek our own good without a care of facing a God of judgement, or at least we prefer our own wills over his.  And so we go on unbelieving.  We can’t believe, because we do not care.  And so my only conclusion is that I am numbered among the unelect.

I still to this day believe that the Atheists with whom I have had conversations, to whom I have listened via Podcast, or books, or dialogue, all have a confidence which is unmerited.  I don’t think they have adequately come to terms with the Bible’s self-demonstration of divine origin.  I haven’t heard any of them explain the Bible’s collection of risky, accurate predictive prophecy, nor the resurrection of Christ as described by the physician and historian Luke.  Especially in light of the fact that many Biblical fragments predate their supposed imperial conspirator, Emperor Constantine.  Perhaps the day will come when I laugh at this statement, and God will turn out to be truly nonexistent altogether.  But at this point, I believe that the Bible is true, and I believe in Christ, but I do not believe on Christ for salvation.

Can feelings be changed?  It seems that the answer is locked away in the untenable.  If I were to seek Christ in the early morning hours before feelings of doubt and despair have a chance to get in my way throughout the day, then perhaps I can redevelope the ability to feel my faith.  Ravi Zacharias said it well when he described the sensitivity of a wound “There’s a sensitivity to the spot placed there by God to say, ‘Protect it! Protect it!’ You keep doing damage to that and you will wound it in an even greater way.  What happens then when emotions lose their sensitivity?” Continual insult to a wound will cause the feelings to become dulled.  There is a possibility that I simply don’t care because I have lost somewhere my ability to feel.  I don’t really care about most people when I really think about it.  Ravi went on to explain that many famous preachers have gained their profession because of a renewed commitment to reclaim the early morning hours.  Well… then I guess it really will be a work of God because there’s no way in Hell that I am ever going to finally reclaim the early morning hours.  I might as well be trying to take the One Ring back from Mordor, right off of the hand of Sauron.  It simply will not be done, unless God is at work in me.  And I see no reason why he would suddenly start working on me with some kind of great power now when he has not done so in the past…

Yet, if he was predictable, he wouldn’t be God.  Yet I hold out no hope.  You pray for me, reader.  Whoever you are who has read this far.  You pray for me; I will not pray for myself.  I hold out no hope that God hears me.  He has been cold and ruthless to me, and I don’t hunger for him anymore.  And I don’t really care.

The Fruit Inspector is the Gardener

God looked at the field, filled with thorns, weeds, and every disgusting vegetation, and among them he found me, a pathetic tree with disgusting pits for fruit.  It was his delight to cultivate me.  He cleared away the thorns and clinging vines.  He turned over my soil.  He watered me with his word.  Now finally, I have displayed his greatly-desired fruit.  How does it taste to the gardener?  How do the buds smell in his holy nostrils?  In his delight, he has made me to sink my roots into the ground, to drink deep from his law and his gospel.  When I was shallow, I was blown over by every wind that approached me.  I hated and despised the gardener that I judged to be poor and absent.  What treason.

On the last day, I shall see perfectly how he has delighted in me, that his hands have ever been tending to me, day and night.  He has loved me, the good gardener.  He has made my roots to be thickened and my branches to REACH TO THE SKY!!!  My branches shall be bent with the weight of fruit and resting fowl.  The fragrance of my flower will be pleasant because God himself is the gardener and inspects the work of his own hands.  He will and presently does look on his work with holy delight.  He exalts over his grand works and sits in the shade of my branches.  How my heart longs to be cultivated by the gardener, and my roots long for the wetness of his word.  Speak to me, precious husbandman.  Uproot me and set me by a steady flowing stream.  The siren call of the clinging vines weigh me down as they sink their tendrils into my phloem and threaten to stunt me.  But you see my deadness and delight in the fruit of faith that I bear.  You will clear the vines and fight for me.  You will uproot the idols of my heart.  "Return to me," you say, "for I have redeemed you."  Oh Father, the gardener, redeemer.  Woo me to you.  I turn my back on my evil ways.  Yet I still depend on you.  Tomorrow I am lost, except that you preserve me.  You will preserve me, for I am your cultivated tree.  Yours.  The work of your hands in which you delight.

Study of Colossians Part 4

28 August 2012

Colossians Ch 3:18 - 4:18

Harmony is a sign of gospel transformation.  Slaves are free to love their masters because they serve the Lord, both slave and master have the same Lord in Heaven whether the master bows to knee to Christ now or not.  Indeed, this is the true glory of the gospel's message, that having been reconciled to the Father and empowered by his Spirit, even a slave, the lowest of humanity, can set the universe in right order by exercising faith in the Lord by setting aside natural desires for eye service and bitterness, and serving God in his service to his master, and in so doing many people will give glory to God.  There is no higher calling and to the lowest among God gives the honor of achieving it through the outworking of the Gospel in our lives.

Divine Justice: Paul assumes in verses 24 and 25 that the final justice exercised by God is motivation for the slave to be sincere in his service.  An enormous amount of faith must be exercised by the slave to believe this.  The slave is at the mercy of the conscience, good or bad, of his master while on earth.  But, if he believes in the justice and power of God, and if he has felt God's mercy, then he is free to love those who oppress him, even if there is otherwise no hope of seeing justice here on earth.  Without this faith in God, the slave, indeed we, have no reason to believe we shouldn't fight for justice for ourselves.  Yes, we should promote systems of justice that treat God's image-bearers with appropriate dignity, but without belief in a final judgement, bitterness and revenge will poison our every motive.

Miroslav Volf makes the point well in his book Exclusion and Embrace:

There is a profound "injustice" about the God of the biblical traditions.  It is called grace.  As I argued... in the story of the prodigal son, it was "unjust" of the father to receive back the prodigal as son and, on top of that, to throw a party for him after the son had just squandered half of his inheritance.  But the father was not interested in "justice." He acted in accordance with a "must" that was higher than the "must" of "justice".

My thesis that the practice of nonviolence requires a belief in divine vengeance will be unpopular with many Christians, especially theologians in the West.  To the person who is inclined to dismiss it, I suggest imagining that you are delivering a lecture in a war zone.  Among your listeners are people whos cities and villages have been first plundered, then burned and leveled to the ground, whose daughters and sisters have been raped, whose fathers and brothers have had their throats slit.  The topic of the lecture: a Christian attitude toward violence.  The thesis: we should not retaliate since God is perfect noncoercive love.  Soon you would discover that it takes the quiet of a suburban home for the birth of the thesis that human nonviolence corresponds to God's refusal to judge.  In a scorched land, soaked in the blood of the innocent, it will invariably die.  And as one watches it die, one will do well to reflect about many other pleasant captivities of the liberal mind.

"Let your speech always be gracious... so that you may know how to answer each person."  My conversations with my atheist friends have become more hostile as they become more intolerant   My speech has become snide and has no gracious motivation.  I have only reasons to love them as they have no way to wrong me.  Isn't this the outworking of good philosophy in my life?  I am the evil man in chapter one running headlong into Christ's holiness and glory.  Yet he has reconciled me to the Father and my life is hid with Christ in heaven.  They are in the former condition, and yet I fear them?  I am cowardly, I must be bold; I must fear God.  Boldness and Grace.

Study of Colossians Part 3

22 August 2012
Chapter 3

It's no wonder I don't feel God, and I'm getting angry.  Just look at the swagger that has characterized me today.  I've got a lot of things that will take up my time now.  How am I going to put God first?  How am I going to feel God at all?  How am I going to keep from just checking out?  After all, surely my foolish and distracted brain won't simply cooperate with a busy schedule.  What fighter verses will I wield when I really REALLY don't want to study, or read, or work, or run, or prepare for a presentation?
"For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he POWERFULLY works within me."
"For you have died, and your life is hid with Christ in God.  When Christ, who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

This indeed is the motivation for the whole of Colossians 3.  Knowing that we have died to the world is powerful for throwing off the trappings of wealth, affection, and beauty, indeed all the glory the world offers. Knowing that our life is hid with Christ, seated on high, having finished the work that guarantees our security in the house of the Lord, powerfully gives us the foundation and security to take crazy risks with our lives.  You have no other motivator than seeking to glorify this savior from a sincere heart.  People pleasing will gain us nothing since we have died to the world.  Look to Christ who is your life.  Rest in him.  Sincerely seek him, to be served by him by working heartily.  Heaven is your reward, you whose life is hid with Christ.  So, then why would you work for recognition?  What would that recognition gain you?  And what about affection that you so badly crave?  You have already been given your last rights, friend!  This is not your home, and your king has affections and blisses that no relationship could hope to give!  That's what you crave and no relationship can deliver without crushing the object of your lust.  If you truly love her, seek God's glory, and set your eyes on things above.  Open your hands to the things on earth, and close them on the throne of Christ, where Christ holds on to you, and in his love, he will not let you go.  Be risky, let the relationship happen without gripping it.

Oh Father, let your word sink deep into my heart, and may roots sprout from the solid foundation of the knowledge of my sweet savior, who holds me firmly in heaven.  May my hope never wander from him.

Study of Colossians Part 2

The following will be the notes I took while studying Colossians with my Missional Community (Coram Deo small groups).

Chapter 2

Paul's struggle is that the Colossian church reach the full assurance that comes from understanding the Gospel.  He describes this knowledge as riches and treasure.  Do I treasure knowing Christ and his work?  Do I encourage others and am I myself encouraged by gathering the riches of the gospel?

Interestingly, Paul mentions "plausible arguments" as a threat to this assurance.  This is strange since I welcome plausible arguments against my faith.  But this is why Paul encourages the believers to rest themselves in Christ, because the answer to plausible arguments is not avoiding the question, but from rootedness in the knowledge of God's word, the gospel.  This sounds a lot like 1 Peter 3:15 "but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,"  The readiness starts with honoring Christ as holy from the heart.  We honor him in truth from the heart, we receive hope, and growing in knowledge we are prepared to answer arguments.  A firm faith helps to identify counterfeit saviors, and "good advice" can be seen as a phony when we understand what Christ has done for his church.

Good and Bad Philosophy Defined:  verse 8.  Philosophy which is "according to", or based on, or rooted in Christ (i.e. the Gospel) is good philosophy.  If not, perhaps if it is rooted in human tradition or natural order, then it is bad philosophy, even if it is "christian".

Good philosophy: verses 9-15, the basis of all good philosophy is: the deity of Christ, the indwelling of the Spirit in the believer, the reign of Christ as sovereign Lord, the present reality of the mortified flesh, the present reality of the resurrected body, faith in the completed work of God on the cross as the means of resurrection, dead in our sins, made alive to Christ, and cancellation of our debt on the cross.

Bad philosophy: verses 16-19 More specifically, this is bad "christian" philosophy because it it is spoken of using Christian categories.  They are, nevertheless not based on the gospel and have gone astray, being based on the "fleshly" or sensuous mind.  The righteousness attained in this philosophy is attained with observances of days and rules and earning favors from creaturely spirits.  Interestingly, these people become puffed up in their own eyes because they "disqualify" others who haven't achieved their spiritual rank.

But Paul disqualifies them with the hard, cold facts: bad philosophy isn't even good at being bad because the flesh simply will NOT submit to rules.  Though the rules are followed the indulgence endures and the celibate flesh caries on in adultery.  Nevertheless, not doing this or that is always wisdom to the legalist and appears achievable despite the severity to the body, and sickly faith is hid under an impressive pile of adherence to rules.  NOTE:  Don't forget, this is bad CHRISTIAN philosophy, and as such you will encounter it often among the brethren   It is nevertheless a different gospel, and must be rejected as such in such a manner as the faith and grace which God has given to you would make appropriate.  

But you have died to the natural order, pursuing the desires of the natural man, so LIVE LIKE IT!  Believe the gospel and repent of your self-made religion.  Don't sacrifice to feel-good gods that don't demand complete perfection.  You have died with Christ, now put to death the natural desires.  Put it to death with daily beatings of prayer and Christ-ward glances found in God's word.  Arm yourself with the gospel so you can stand as the body fights back.  Are you ready?

Study of Colossians Part 1

8 August 2012
The following will be the notes I took while studying Colossians with my Missional Community (Coram Deo small groups).

Chapter 1

The love they have for the saints is rooted in the hope they have in heaven, and all the promises that are stored up there.  This is the pattern throughout scripture, hope leads to love.  Faith -> hope -> love, Romans  chapters 1-11 leads to Romans 12 - 15.  Our actions flow out of our heart condition.  Were it not so, it wouldn't be love.
But where does their faith come from?  See verse 5, it comes from the Gospel, the word of truth.  And the gospel bears fruit wherever it is heard and believed.
Verse 9: Paul prays that they will be filled with the knowledge of God's will.  The knowledge of God's will leads to walking in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit and further increase in the knowledge of God.  This sounds a lot like Romans 12:1 and 2 - Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, and acceptable, and perfect.
After the fantastic Christology of 15 - 20, a great sneak peak into the mind of God, Christ the Alpha and Omega, reconciling all things to himself, making peace by his cross, a glimpse at his holiness.  After this, "and you" >gulp< hostile, alienated, doing evil.  What a contrast between his holiness and my depravity, as though my condition is one of raging headfirst with shut eyes and clenched fists into the unstoppable force of his mission to make war and peace, and bring glory to the Father.  What can rescue us from this condition into which we have voluntarily place ourselves?  Praise God we get the gospel again at this point.  Yes, you, too are being reconciled by his cross, in his body.  And he will make you holy and blameless for his own sake, the reconciliation of all things to himself.

A lesson on dependence, Christian self-improvement

John Piper's catchphrase is "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in him."  Less of the Christian Hedonist, Mark Driscoll has once said, "God is most glorified in us, when we are most dependent on him."  I like both, but prefer Driscoll's in this particular case.  The context in which Driscoll said this was in a sermon on prayer.  Why do we need to pray?  Because we are dependent on God and His Spirit, and the way that we express that dependence is through prayer.

This Fall, I will be entering a season where I am going to have A LOT on my plate.  I will be retaking the two hardest classes in my grad program.  That would be enough to pretty much fill up my calendar due to the amount of studying that I will need to be doing.  My grad program has also scheduled me to do a presentation of this year's work in December.  This would be enough for me to need to develop time-management skills because if I don't make time for that, I will be stressing about it in November.  Also, I and the leader of my Missional Community (Coram Deo's version of small groups) want me to start getting involved in discipling other men, I will be needing to make time to meet with some folks.  This alone is a reason for me to be in constant prayer as leaders are taking on the responsibility not only for their own soul, but that of another.  It at the very least adds an amount of urgency to the dependence that I already ought to be feeling.  Finally, the Guard will be scheduling me for a Physical Fitness test in November.  At my current state of fitness and rate of improvement, a failure would be almost certain, resulting in dismissal from the Guard.  I honestly feel like crawling in a hole.  

So, what do we know about dependence?  I know for a fact that I am doomed to fail, because I would much rather go to work, put as little effort into my 4-6 hours of work as possible, then go home and maybe hang out with some friends over coffee.  No Holy Spirit required there.  Indeed, even if I put in a lot of extra effort and overcame my limitations, the Holy Spirit is not necessarily needed.  So how is God glorified?  God is glorified when I pray for strength from God, fight to exhaustion, and trust God's goodness for the results no matter what.  If all I do is fight, I have no power from the Spirit, and God gets no glory.  What makes self-improvement inherently Christian is when we place our faith in the Spirit for the power and the results (Hebrews 12:2).  That way, if the Father wills our failure, we acknowledge that we are still being served by God, our faith is refined by fire, and we rejoice in God because he has empowered us to overcome spiritual trials.  God receives the glory (2 Cor 12:9).  If God wills our victory, we rejoice in God for his mercy and power to overcome earthly trials.  God still receives the glory.  When we tell God he is good, God is pleased because we have said what is right.

So this is my lesson:  Pray to exhaustion.  Saturate in God's word so my faith has a foundation.  Place my faith in God's goodness and power.  Fight to exhaustion.  Trust God for the results (Psalm 20:7).  

The Fear of God

There is a doctrine that's been very confusing to me which I think I've finally begun to understand.  It's the doctrine of "the fear of God".  I've asked a lot of people about this, and (forgive me if I seem arrogant) I've never been satisfied with the default, go-to answers that never really seem all that thought out.  "The fear of the Lord is to be in awe of him, like we feel at awe when we look at a storm."  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Do you ever wonder why this is so confusing?  Empty your mind of every doctrinal belief that you've had before this moment and place just one phrase in your mind:  "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom"  There are few sentences with simpler structure: a subject, a verb, and a prepositional phrase, all filled with words we already know.  What do we conclude?  If you are afraid of God, you have begun to be wise.  So why do we need someone to explain it to us?  We don't, we need someone to UNEXPLAIN it to us!  We, especially we insane people in the padded room of American security, prefer not to inconvenience ourselves by receiving our doctrine from the Bible.

We in American culture don't see the God of the Bible in our lives.  This is because the God of the Bible has set men on fire, drowned the planet, hardened the heart of a king and unleashed plagues on him and his people, unleashed pestilence on a blameless man and had his children killed, opened the earth to swallow his redeemed people, handed people over to bloodthirsty tyrants, and even crushed the Son of Glory under the cross of the condemned.  You think you have nothing to be afraid of?  What are you most afraid of?  Really think about it.  Now consider that you are in eternal debt to that God, and he has all power to unleash that very reality on you, and much more.  Now consider that you've spent your life serving a god of your own making, one who is more to your liking, who is not dreadful, who is perhaps inspired by the God of the Bible, but isn't him.  Now consider that God's wrath has always burned hot against his stiff-necked people who would prefer to serve a god of gold rather than be corrected by his word as to who he really is. They weren't any more adulterous than me!  Who in the Bible is described as those who seek teachers to tickle their ears?


No, dear sinner, we should be afraid of God.  It's a mercy toward us that God would flex his holiness before our eyes.  What a great act of mercy was worked through Uzzah who dropped dead when he touched the Ark of the Covenant.  We are baffled by such stories because of the false gods that we craft in our heart.  "The God of love," we suppose, "doesn't really act this way does he?  At least he wouldn't act this way on the Christian TV shows and movies that I watch.  I thought my God was a god of love!"  What a grace it is toward us to be baffled.  


There is an enormous tension within God between his holiness and his love.  Sometimes it's good to emphasize one at the risk of heresy toward the other.  Here I've emphasized his holiness so that we can truly begin to fear the God of the universe who is holy, holy, holy; who is completely and utterly set apart within himself to bring about his glory, displayed in his works.  When we are gripped, GRIPPED with dread, despairing for life in front of God, we are driven in abandon to fall on our would-be-proud faces begging for mercy; kissing as it were, the feet of the God we've slighted and treated with contempt because his weightiness has been an inconvenience in our lives.  And in his mercy, perhaps he'll leave us there for a minute because our impermeable skulls accept truth so unwillingly.  That is our true position, begging for mercy before a God with whom we have nothing to barter.  


And in fear we are wise because those who are truly gripped by how awful God is, don't live a life of rebellion toward him.  I don't waste money on myself when I know that an awful God is at work in the lives of the poor.  Do I?  I keep short accounts with those against whom I've sinned and who have sinned against me.  God has especially dreadful things to say about the fate of the unforgiving.  Let these words change your view of God.  It is the prerogative of God to tell us the nature of himself and of men.  And, gripped with fear toward God, fears in this world become petty.  What torture can we be put through that is worse than falling into the hands of an angry God.  Deeply consider that in light of your fears from above.


But it's true, God's love is also greater than we can imagine.  How encouraging, relieving, heart wrenching, how tear-jerking it is to know that the God who is sovereign, is a God who has placed a Spirit of sonship within us, and we call this God "abba", "Daddy".  If we do see torture, we have a double encouragement of knowing that we are receiving far less than we deserve and knowing that God is giving to us from out of his love and passion for making us into his glorious image.


Oh, Father.  Wrap us in your arms.  We know that we deserve no love from you, yet you grip us with it.  Nothing in our hands we bring, but only to the cross we cling.  


Soli Deo Gloria