So God bought me beer and wings

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know Who holds tomorrow.  God has not left me with any needs, and what needs I feel I have, I know that he will provide.  All of my bills have been paid up until now.  But the problem?  I want to minister to this guy I worked, to hang out with him, strengthen his faltering faith, and introduce him to my gospel-centered community, but I have no money.  Literally, I would not have a whole dollar to spend on beer and wings.  The strangest thing happened, though.  This morning, after we were done at the gym, I just said, "So you wanna grab some beer and wings this evening?"  Why did I ask that?  I have no money!  I knew, not even in the back of my mind, I mean at the forefront I knew, I just knew that God would provide the money to get beer and wings.  He did want beer and wings so we parted ways and on the drive home I was wondering, 'How in the world am I going to get money for beer and wings?'  Then I remembered, and I eagerly (even while I was driving, for shame) started logging on to the account into which my Air National Guard check gets deposited because THEY HADN'T PAID ME FOR MY LAST GUARD DRILL YET!!! :-D  And of course, that is how God bought my beer and wings.  Tonight, we dine on Garlic Parmesan wings and Hefeweizen! 
So is this what it's like to work for God?  Constantly wondering how God will provide only to be surprised at the end when he pulls through?  I know that the Father didn't pull through for Christ on the cross specifically so that he CAN pull through for us now.  I'm glad for these tangible examples of God's love for his children.  I'm actually excited to minister to my brothers and sisters, and I'm happy for God to float the bill, both literally and figuratively.  I know that he works for us, for our happiness and to his glory.
Thank you, Father for being so good for me.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I know that there are innumerable ways that my enemy will try to pull me away from you and back into despair.  Indeed, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that you are the God of tomorrow, just like you have shown yourself to be the God of today.  I know that you will meet all my needs according to your riches and Glory.  Help me only to trust; help me in my disbelief.

Soli Deo Gloria

Under attack again

Why am I now feeling hopeless again?  I just spoke with Ian about it, but I can't really remember what he said.  It's so unfair.  Why can't I even remember so I can preach the Gospel to myself effectively?  Does God not care, or want me to have faith in him?  That can't be, since he sent Christ to the Cross to win my salvation at all cost to himself.  But where is my joy?  Where is my peace that passes understanding?  Why do I not care when I'm told about Jesus, who at all cost to himself paid for the sins that have brought me so low?  It is not RIGHT for me to not care!  I have no joy in the generosity of others, even of a God who has taken me in as his own.  My head aches as I beg God to help me to rest in him.  My prayers are so filled with stress that I'm afraid I'm going to sweat blood. God, if you don't save me, then I'm lost!  I need you to serve me so I can be grateful.  I need you to bring me a job so I can provide and give generously.  I need you to remind me of these things, and I need your mercy to be new in the morning.  I want to be swept up in your mission, and I want you to be the one glorified for it.  Give me this grace, Father, and I will glorify your name.  You do all the work; I do all the receiving.  I get all the benefits; you get all the glory.  Just as it should be, my Father.

A job that is stretched over an inflated ego

What I miss about being a scientist is the ability to preface my statements with the authoritative claim of being a member of the field about which I'm speaking; thus, to be the one with the most important opinion in the room. To be, in fact, the most important person in the room.  I wanted to become a competent scientist so that I can speak authoritatively about Creationism.  The way that PhD scientists could call people to account if they didn't believe in a 6-day creation was enviable, and I wanted it.  Oh if only I could become a scientist also!  People would think twice before disagreeing with me, or at least hold their hat in their hands when they do so.  I do actually enjoy learning and understanding, but this doesn't seem to be enough to get me to the goal of a PhD, and what hurts the most is the loss of the authority that the title brings.  But being in this situation where I am possibly no longer pursuing a PhD has given me a unique vantage point.  Seeing who I was while pursuing a PhD, what drove me, what I longed for, the way I related to people when discussing things like Science, Creationism, Cancer, Medical Ethics, it makes me wonder how could I ever truly love someone when I so badly wanted to get the intellectual upper hand.  How could I even love my job under those circumstances?

Now I have fits of enjoyment when I speak to people about cancer, or when I am able to look down on some self-congratulatory statement by an atheist who claims to be the holder of "reason" and "thoughtfulness", when it is in fact I who am pursuing a PhD.  But it's nothing more than me still fighting for my pride like a madman, like Macbeth still fighting for his sovereignty after Birnam forest was on his doorstep.  How dreadful would I have been if I had achieved what I sought after?  When people praised me for my great work and sought me out as the one who had the answers?  I would never need God again.  I would stretch my audience and my friends out over my inflated ego, maybe write a book or two.  Don't I already get angry when I'm not able to get my own points in during my bible study? or worse, when someone else makes the point that I was wanting to make?  When the silence is too short for me to speak up and still appear humble.  I MUST appear thoughtful and intelligent.  It's no wonder I am ruined after failing a grad program, and getting demoted in the Guard, and in addition, now it looks like I'm not all that theologically competent either.  It's obvious I can't hack it.

This is what happens when you try to stretch something temporal over the space that only God can fill.  Only God can hold form when positioned to fill the ego.  You try to cover the sore left by an empty ego with anything other than God's opinion of you, and you will tear that thing.  It is unloving to try to lean on people to be the constant source of identity (good father, good teacher, competent lover, cherished husband) and irresponsible to try to lean on hobbies or occupation (moving to the top, knowledgeable craftsman, good work out there).  God does not need me to offer competence to him, he has all the competence he needs in the Spirit's work in the hearts of his people.  I can stop working to try to build up a justifying resume.  That work was already done in Christ, and I have HIS resume, HIS competence, HIS curriculum vitae.

Now what do I do?  Repent of the way that I have built up an identity outside of Christ.  Believe that I am sufficient and loved by the Father no less if I am less intellectual and no more if I am more intellectual.  Use what I know as a springboard toward repentance and faith in Christ, both for myself and for others.  In love, point to Christ, not trying to draw attention to myself, but appreciating that the Spirit is the one leading discussions, and he will draw all men to Christ, and save those whom the Father has given to Christ, and how blessed am I if I am a tool in His hand.

Feeling intense panic... a lot

Fear and panic often fills my heart almost literally, and my heart fills with a strong dull pain because of the panic.  I want to run.  Even in my dreams, it can be so frightening because I can't move.  Fear.  So afraid.  Panic.  Heart racing.  I need to get up and leave.  Where do I go?  Everyone can betray me and force me into this place that I fear, and the more I think of that fact the more afraid I am!  WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL!?  Yet...

Psalm 27
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
  whom shall I fear?
 The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
  of whom shall I be afraid?
  When evildoers assail me
  to eat up my flesh,
 my adversaries and foes,
  it is they who stumble and fall.
  Though an army encamp against me,
  my heart shall not fear;
 though war arise against me,
  yet I will be confident.
  One thing have I asked of the LORD,
  that will I seek after:
 that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
  all the days of my life,
 to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
  and to inquire in his temple.
  For he will hide me in his shelter
  in the day of trouble;
 he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
  he will lift me high upon a rock.
  And now my head shall be lifted up
  above my enemies all around me,
 and I will offer in his tent
  sacrifices with shouts of joy;
 I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
  Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
  be gracious to me and answer me!
 You have said, “Seek my face.”
 My heart says to you,
  “Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
  Hide not your face from me.
 Turn not your servant away in anger,
  O you who have been my help.
 Cast me not off; forsake me not,
  O God of my salvation!
 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
  but the LORD will take me in.
  Teach me your way, O LORD,
  and lead me on a level path
  because of my enemies.
 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
  for false witnesses have risen against me,
  and they breathe out violence.
  I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
  in the land of the living!
 Wait for the LORD;
  be strong, and let your heart take courage;
  wait for the LORD!

I know the God whom I trust will not utterly forsake me.  Only my older brother Jesus went all the way to Hell, and all the reasons that God has for sending me are swallowed up in His sacrafice for me.  And I know that even if I must be handed over to my tormenters, I will be storing up a weight of glory that will endure for all ages and sing with unrelenting light the praise of my Father in heaven. 
Father, you have not promised that I will not endure torment, but I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses who spur me on toward faith in your goodness no matter what may come.  Thank you Father that I can be comforted in all circumstances.  Thank you for sending Jesus to take the torment that I deserved, and left me only with your pleasure looking ever down on me, reclining against your chest.

Gratitude, Offerings, and Need

He is worthy.  He is powerful enough to provide.  He has provided.  Give from the firstfruits.  So now I've arrived at a theological puzzle.  What was the point of giving of the firstfruits?  So I don't really have enough money to pay the bills, but I've just received a large amount of money from selling my motorcycle.  I don't feel particularly grateful to God for providing for me, but I do feel grateful.  He has shown that he is powerful enough to provide, and I want to give God back a portion of what I have received.  So now I have these two conflicting urges:

One, I feel like it would be irresponsible to give back to God since I haven't even made enough from it to cover the monthly expenses (let alone have enough left over to eat).  Secondly, I know that God will provide the rest because he says that he will provide for all of my needs.  So there's no real danger in giving it.  But then, easy for me to say, what if I had a wife and kids that were depending on that income to be able to eat.  The man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever, right? So do I give despite my need out of my half-hearted feeling of gratitude?

Well, one, I pray that God would provide for me what is lacking in my gratitude.  It's not right for me to be ungrateful, and so take part in humanities greatest and original offense toward God (Romans 1:18-21).  My ingratitude is a stain unworthy of the God who has done so much to preserve me.  Secondly, I pray that God would provide what's left of my bills so that I won't be unashamed of my belief in a God who claims to provide for his children like the birds and lilies.  And third, I pray that God would give me a true and balanced view of how to manage money, burning away my propensity to waste, and play, and play, and play.  I don't want to be someone who gives out of compulsion, but I do want to be someone who trusts God and radically obeys.  Even in a perfect world where sin does not exist, sacrifices of thanksgiving are a right thing.  How much more in a world where God has poured out his love for a wretch like me.  :-)

Knowledge without Repentance

Knowledge without REPENTANCE will be but a torch to light men to hell.  -Thomas Watson.

I get a lot of compliments for my ability to absorb and analyze information, and with a good enough catalyst I often become a teacher in the middle of a study session on a topic I just learned.  This is why I like books like Colossians which emphasize so much on the knowledge of God being so much a part of our salvation.  But today I received two lessons, one is the quote by Thomas Watson at the top of this post, and the second is by Paul Tripp.

"My celebration is theological in a way that's not theology driving me to the foot of this glorious God, it's theology that's driving me to theology that's driving me to theology that's driving me to theology.  Theology is never an end of itself, it's a means to an end, and the end is to take human beings that worship themselves and other things, and to make them true worshipers of God."

 I have always thought that I'm just missing something, some thing, some mental connection that is keeping me from truly experiencing the victorious Christian life.  Some little ingredient in the fertilizer is lacking so my growth is stunted.  Yet my life has never been one of repentance in light of what I already know and am learning.  If I know about God, and yet it doesn't drive me to turn from my wickedness, then my knowledge is only making me a smarter devil, on a higher echelon of sophistication among the damned.  But even knowing this does not save me.  Christ will pray to the Father and send his Spirit to grow fruit in me, and the Spirit will succeed in his work.  I have been faithless, so I must repent of this faithlessness.  I have been impatient, without hope, and without joy.  Just because I know this, does not mean I repent of it.  But now I do.  And he will forgive me and restore me to himself for the sake of his Son, who loved me first and gave himself for me.

Hope-filled despair pong

I don't really know what it is that I want.  I have no job anymore, and I owe more money this month than I actually have.  All I want to do really is sit here and play video games and watch TV shows.  Yet right now, I sit here bored with all of them, and I'm left with... want.  I want something, but I can't have whatever it is.

Maybe in a future post I'll have to explain what has happened in the last several weeks.  Suffice it to say, I am racked back and forth like a ping pong ball between hope and despair.  I've never felt so much of both, yet never at the same time.  Both physically and spiritually, I experience hope-filled despair. I know that what I truly want at the bottom of my idolatry is God himself.  No matter the depths I fall, as I begin to lose everything, I know that his love is ever on me.  Perhaps this is the fire which causes the dross to rise.  What will I be in the end?

The Spirit has preserved me with and through the love and ministry of my church.  They will continue to encourage me to depend on the Spirit.  But... why is everything that I must do so impossible?  Why must prayer be so quick to quicken my body in rebellion against it?  I can't pray for more than a few seconds before I feel hopelessly outmatched by the will of my mind to push prayer from my head.  How can I hope to actually develop any kind of discipline in anything?

God help me.  I wouldn't be alive now without you.  Now I know that tomorrow, my hope is quite literally only in you.  Rouse yourself and come quickly to my aid.  God help me.