Couple day update

I can't really remember very well the moment of my final disbelief.  I guess that's why I have this blog in the first place, so I can remember things... ironically, the point of remembering things is so that I don't fall into disbelief.  Now here I am blogging so I remember how it came about.  So anyway, I'll describe the moment, then I'll comment on my feelings over the last few days.

It was Friday the 16th I believe, but I could be wrong.  Earlier that week I had decided to go on a fast.  My fast started on Friday, and the hunger hit me hard that morning.  About midday, I wanted to start reading papers.  Along with my normal hopeless distractedness, I began to think about how hungry I was.  Suddenly I was absolutely filled with rage.  I hated the idea of fasting because I saw it as a hopeless endeavor to cry out to a God who had been ignoring me all along.  I was furious, and in my mind I pounded my desk.  It was so clear to me at that moment that there is no way I could be intellectually satisfied with the conclusion that I was ever being worked on by God.  God had not called me as his child, and that was why I still struggled with all the trappings of the flesh.  That was why I had no power to overcome sin, and I knew in that moment that if I was an unbeliever, then there was nothing more that could be done, and I stood up, and went and got some food.

Feelings have been quite absent the last few days.  That first day was a day when I was angry, then sad when I listened to the Ravi Zacharias sermon.  I longed for the idea of "deep calls to deep".  Especially since, if I could describe the way I see the world now, it's shallow.  As if there's nothing really underneath the surface of my experience.  But the strangest thing about my feelings is how little I've actually cared about my new status as an unbeliever.  Strong feelings one minute, by the next hour, nothing.  There's got to be some sort of psychological mumbo-jumbo that can explain that.   Anyway, most of the time I feel disinterested in and disconnected from my disbelief.  Then I listen to a sermon about the way that God sees his children... and I feel angry that I would consider going back to that, and that my feelings could start to well up about that hopeless mess of sanctification by faith, as if the Spirit really had any interest in working on me.  Oh look... now I feel hate.

Finally Faithless

2:30 AM on 19 November 2012 

I’m no longer a believer.  Actually it’s been a couple days since I've been a believer.  I honestly cringe at the idea of actually explaining this again, but for the sake of remembering this for the future, I will do so one last time.

I joined Coram Deo about 4 years ago during the “Gospel-Centered Life” series.  I entered through the “side door” of their Missional Communities with my girlfriend at the time.  She and I were looking for a church we could both enjoy, and Coram Deo seemed to fit the bill.  At that time I was in the middle of changing from a Semi-Palagian theology to Calvanism.  I’ve never seen a church like Coram Deo, one that has such a firm grasp of the gospel, and like Luther, seeks to beat it into the heads of their community less they forget it.  Yet along with that, Coram Deo has a firm grasp of the Bible’s doctrine of sanctification.  They understand that as we view Christ in the Gospel, we are made into his image (2 Corinthians 3:18) and that the Holy Spirit moves in our lives as we believe the Gospel (Galatians 3:5).  Yet it is this very doctrine that brings me so much doubt.  How have I changed?  Defeat.  Defeat, and more defeat.  That is my gospel journey over the twelve years of supposedly being a believer.  If the Holy Spirit lives within me, then where is his power?  Why have I only changed in ways that can be accounted for by the fact that I have lived for so long within a gracious and forgiving community?  I have yet to hear a satisfactory answer, and at this point I am barely alive.  I know that feelings must be checked with facts, but these are the facts.  The Holy Spirit has been powerless within me, or he is not within me at all.  And the truth of the matter is, I really don’t care.  The Father freely chose me by his grace when I was in my sins… and yet I don’t really care.  He saved me when I deserved hell, and will receive hell without the faith which he graciously gave me, and it all falls on me with no more weight than the imperceptible dust which falls on my head now.  

How can one be saved when he cares so little for his salvation?  Answer, he cannot.  The lifeless bodies of Ezekiel could not will themselves to grow new ligaments, new hearts, new lungs, and neither can the faithless will themselves the faith to believe.  The Lord must call us to life from the grave, and salvation from death.  I don’t particularly care about Hell, and how can I if I am unsaved?  The unbelieving may care about a Hell of fire, but not the Hell of God’s wrath.  We seek our own good without a care of facing a God of judgement, or at least we prefer our own wills over his.  And so we go on unbelieving.  We can’t believe, because we do not care.  And so my only conclusion is that I am numbered among the unelect.

I still to this day believe that the Atheists with whom I have had conversations, to whom I have listened via Podcast, or books, or dialogue, all have a confidence which is unmerited.  I don’t think they have adequately come to terms with the Bible’s self-demonstration of divine origin.  I haven’t heard any of them explain the Bible’s collection of risky, accurate predictive prophecy, nor the resurrection of Christ as described by the physician and historian Luke.  Especially in light of the fact that many Biblical fragments predate their supposed imperial conspirator, Emperor Constantine.  Perhaps the day will come when I laugh at this statement, and God will turn out to be truly nonexistent altogether.  But at this point, I believe that the Bible is true, and I believe in Christ, but I do not believe on Christ for salvation.

Can feelings be changed?  It seems that the answer is locked away in the untenable.  If I were to seek Christ in the early morning hours before feelings of doubt and despair have a chance to get in my way throughout the day, then perhaps I can redevelope the ability to feel my faith.  Ravi Zacharias said it well when he described the sensitivity of a wound “There’s a sensitivity to the spot placed there by God to say, ‘Protect it! Protect it!’ You keep doing damage to that and you will wound it in an even greater way.  What happens then when emotions lose their sensitivity?” Continual insult to a wound will cause the feelings to become dulled.  There is a possibility that I simply don’t care because I have lost somewhere my ability to feel.  I don’t really care about most people when I really think about it.  Ravi went on to explain that many famous preachers have gained their profession because of a renewed commitment to reclaim the early morning hours.  Well… then I guess it really will be a work of God because there’s no way in Hell that I am ever going to finally reclaim the early morning hours.  I might as well be trying to take the One Ring back from Mordor, right off of the hand of Sauron.  It simply will not be done, unless God is at work in me.  And I see no reason why he would suddenly start working on me with some kind of great power now when he has not done so in the past…

Yet, if he was predictable, he wouldn’t be God.  Yet I hold out no hope.  You pray for me, reader.  Whoever you are who has read this far.  You pray for me; I will not pray for myself.  I hold out no hope that God hears me.  He has been cold and ruthless to me, and I don’t hunger for him anymore.  And I don’t really care.

The Fruit Inspector is the Gardener

God looked at the field, filled with thorns, weeds, and every disgusting vegetation, and among them he found me, a pathetic tree with disgusting pits for fruit.  It was his delight to cultivate me.  He cleared away the thorns and clinging vines.  He turned over my soil.  He watered me with his word.  Now finally, I have displayed his greatly-desired fruit.  How does it taste to the gardener?  How do the buds smell in his holy nostrils?  In his delight, he has made me to sink my roots into the ground, to drink deep from his law and his gospel.  When I was shallow, I was blown over by every wind that approached me.  I hated and despised the gardener that I judged to be poor and absent.  What treason.

On the last day, I shall see perfectly how he has delighted in me, that his hands have ever been tending to me, day and night.  He has loved me, the good gardener.  He has made my roots to be thickened and my branches to REACH TO THE SKY!!!  My branches shall be bent with the weight of fruit and resting fowl.  The fragrance of my flower will be pleasant because God himself is the gardener and inspects the work of his own hands.  He will and presently does look on his work with holy delight.  He exalts over his grand works and sits in the shade of my branches.  How my heart longs to be cultivated by the gardener, and my roots long for the wetness of his word.  Speak to me, precious husbandman.  Uproot me and set me by a steady flowing stream.  The siren call of the clinging vines weigh me down as they sink their tendrils into my phloem and threaten to stunt me.  But you see my deadness and delight in the fruit of faith that I bear.  You will clear the vines and fight for me.  You will uproot the idols of my heart.  "Return to me," you say, "for I have redeemed you."  Oh Father, the gardener, redeemer.  Woo me to you.  I turn my back on my evil ways.  Yet I still depend on you.  Tomorrow I am lost, except that you preserve me.  You will preserve me, for I am your cultivated tree.  Yours.  The work of your hands in which you delight.

Study of Colossians Part 4

28 August 2012

Colossians Ch 3:18 - 4:18

Harmony is a sign of gospel transformation.  Slaves are free to love their masters because they serve the Lord, both slave and master have the same Lord in Heaven whether the master bows to knee to Christ now or not.  Indeed, this is the true glory of the gospel's message, that having been reconciled to the Father and empowered by his Spirit, even a slave, the lowest of humanity, can set the universe in right order by exercising faith in the Lord by setting aside natural desires for eye service and bitterness, and serving God in his service to his master, and in so doing many people will give glory to God.  There is no higher calling and to the lowest among God gives the honor of achieving it through the outworking of the Gospel in our lives.

Divine Justice: Paul assumes in verses 24 and 25 that the final justice exercised by God is motivation for the slave to be sincere in his service.  An enormous amount of faith must be exercised by the slave to believe this.  The slave is at the mercy of the conscience, good or bad, of his master while on earth.  But, if he believes in the justice and power of God, and if he has felt God's mercy, then he is free to love those who oppress him, even if there is otherwise no hope of seeing justice here on earth.  Without this faith in God, the slave, indeed we, have no reason to believe we shouldn't fight for justice for ourselves.  Yes, we should promote systems of justice that treat God's image-bearers with appropriate dignity, but without belief in a final judgement, bitterness and revenge will poison our every motive.

Miroslav Volf makes the point well in his book Exclusion and Embrace:

There is a profound "injustice" about the God of the biblical traditions.  It is called grace.  As I argued... in the story of the prodigal son, it was "unjust" of the father to receive back the prodigal as son and, on top of that, to throw a party for him after the son had just squandered half of his inheritance.  But the father was not interested in "justice." He acted in accordance with a "must" that was higher than the "must" of "justice".

My thesis that the practice of nonviolence requires a belief in divine vengeance will be unpopular with many Christians, especially theologians in the West.  To the person who is inclined to dismiss it, I suggest imagining that you are delivering a lecture in a war zone.  Among your listeners are people whos cities and villages have been first plundered, then burned and leveled to the ground, whose daughters and sisters have been raped, whose fathers and brothers have had their throats slit.  The topic of the lecture: a Christian attitude toward violence.  The thesis: we should not retaliate since God is perfect noncoercive love.  Soon you would discover that it takes the quiet of a suburban home for the birth of the thesis that human nonviolence corresponds to God's refusal to judge.  In a scorched land, soaked in the blood of the innocent, it will invariably die.  And as one watches it die, one will do well to reflect about many other pleasant captivities of the liberal mind.

"Let your speech always be gracious... so that you may know how to answer each person."  My conversations with my atheist friends have become more hostile as they become more intolerant   My speech has become snide and has no gracious motivation.  I have only reasons to love them as they have no way to wrong me.  Isn't this the outworking of good philosophy in my life?  I am the evil man in chapter one running headlong into Christ's holiness and glory.  Yet he has reconciled me to the Father and my life is hid with Christ in heaven.  They are in the former condition, and yet I fear them?  I am cowardly, I must be bold; I must fear God.  Boldness and Grace.

Study of Colossians Part 3

22 August 2012
Chapter 3

It's no wonder I don't feel God, and I'm getting angry.  Just look at the swagger that has characterized me today.  I've got a lot of things that will take up my time now.  How am I going to put God first?  How am I going to feel God at all?  How am I going to keep from just checking out?  After all, surely my foolish and distracted brain won't simply cooperate with a busy schedule.  What fighter verses will I wield when I really REALLY don't want to study, or read, or work, or run, or prepare for a presentation?
"For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he POWERFULLY works within me."
"For you have died, and your life is hid with Christ in God.  When Christ, who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

This indeed is the motivation for the whole of Colossians 3.  Knowing that we have died to the world is powerful for throwing off the trappings of wealth, affection, and beauty, indeed all the glory the world offers. Knowing that our life is hid with Christ, seated on high, having finished the work that guarantees our security in the house of the Lord, powerfully gives us the foundation and security to take crazy risks with our lives.  You have no other motivator than seeking to glorify this savior from a sincere heart.  People pleasing will gain us nothing since we have died to the world.  Look to Christ who is your life.  Rest in him.  Sincerely seek him, to be served by him by working heartily.  Heaven is your reward, you whose life is hid with Christ.  So, then why would you work for recognition?  What would that recognition gain you?  And what about affection that you so badly crave?  You have already been given your last rights, friend!  This is not your home, and your king has affections and blisses that no relationship could hope to give!  That's what you crave and no relationship can deliver without crushing the object of your lust.  If you truly love her, seek God's glory, and set your eyes on things above.  Open your hands to the things on earth, and close them on the throne of Christ, where Christ holds on to you, and in his love, he will not let you go.  Be risky, let the relationship happen without gripping it.

Oh Father, let your word sink deep into my heart, and may roots sprout from the solid foundation of the knowledge of my sweet savior, who holds me firmly in heaven.  May my hope never wander from him.

Study of Colossians Part 2

The following will be the notes I took while studying Colossians with my Missional Community (Coram Deo small groups).

Chapter 2

Paul's struggle is that the Colossian church reach the full assurance that comes from understanding the Gospel.  He describes this knowledge as riches and treasure.  Do I treasure knowing Christ and his work?  Do I encourage others and am I myself encouraged by gathering the riches of the gospel?

Interestingly, Paul mentions "plausible arguments" as a threat to this assurance.  This is strange since I welcome plausible arguments against my faith.  But this is why Paul encourages the believers to rest themselves in Christ, because the answer to plausible arguments is not avoiding the question, but from rootedness in the knowledge of God's word, the gospel.  This sounds a lot like 1 Peter 3:15 "but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,"  The readiness starts with honoring Christ as holy from the heart.  We honor him in truth from the heart, we receive hope, and growing in knowledge we are prepared to answer arguments.  A firm faith helps to identify counterfeit saviors, and "good advice" can be seen as a phony when we understand what Christ has done for his church.

Good and Bad Philosophy Defined:  verse 8.  Philosophy which is "according to", or based on, or rooted in Christ (i.e. the Gospel) is good philosophy.  If not, perhaps if it is rooted in human tradition or natural order, then it is bad philosophy, even if it is "christian".

Good philosophy: verses 9-15, the basis of all good philosophy is: the deity of Christ, the indwelling of the Spirit in the believer, the reign of Christ as sovereign Lord, the present reality of the mortified flesh, the present reality of the resurrected body, faith in the completed work of God on the cross as the means of resurrection, dead in our sins, made alive to Christ, and cancellation of our debt on the cross.

Bad philosophy: verses 16-19 More specifically, this is bad "christian" philosophy because it it is spoken of using Christian categories.  They are, nevertheless not based on the gospel and have gone astray, being based on the "fleshly" or sensuous mind.  The righteousness attained in this philosophy is attained with observances of days and rules and earning favors from creaturely spirits.  Interestingly, these people become puffed up in their own eyes because they "disqualify" others who haven't achieved their spiritual rank.

But Paul disqualifies them with the hard, cold facts: bad philosophy isn't even good at being bad because the flesh simply will NOT submit to rules.  Though the rules are followed the indulgence endures and the celibate flesh caries on in adultery.  Nevertheless, not doing this or that is always wisdom to the legalist and appears achievable despite the severity to the body, and sickly faith is hid under an impressive pile of adherence to rules.  NOTE:  Don't forget, this is bad CHRISTIAN philosophy, and as such you will encounter it often among the brethren   It is nevertheless a different gospel, and must be rejected as such in such a manner as the faith and grace which God has given to you would make appropriate.  

But you have died to the natural order, pursuing the desires of the natural man, so LIVE LIKE IT!  Believe the gospel and repent of your self-made religion.  Don't sacrifice to feel-good gods that don't demand complete perfection.  You have died with Christ, now put to death the natural desires.  Put it to death with daily beatings of prayer and Christ-ward glances found in God's word.  Arm yourself with the gospel so you can stand as the body fights back.  Are you ready?

Study of Colossians Part 1

8 August 2012
The following will be the notes I took while studying Colossians with my Missional Community (Coram Deo small groups).

Chapter 1

The love they have for the saints is rooted in the hope they have in heaven, and all the promises that are stored up there.  This is the pattern throughout scripture, hope leads to love.  Faith -> hope -> love, Romans  chapters 1-11 leads to Romans 12 - 15.  Our actions flow out of our heart condition.  Were it not so, it wouldn't be love.
But where does their faith come from?  See verse 5, it comes from the Gospel, the word of truth.  And the gospel bears fruit wherever it is heard and believed.
Verse 9: Paul prays that they will be filled with the knowledge of God's will.  The knowledge of God's will leads to walking in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit and further increase in the knowledge of God.  This sounds a lot like Romans 12:1 and 2 - Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, and acceptable, and perfect.
After the fantastic Christology of 15 - 20, a great sneak peak into the mind of God, Christ the Alpha and Omega, reconciling all things to himself, making peace by his cross, a glimpse at his holiness.  After this, "and you" >gulp< hostile, alienated, doing evil.  What a contrast between his holiness and my depravity, as though my condition is one of raging headfirst with shut eyes and clenched fists into the unstoppable force of his mission to make war and peace, and bring glory to the Father.  What can rescue us from this condition into which we have voluntarily place ourselves?  Praise God we get the gospel again at this point.  Yes, you, too are being reconciled by his cross, in his body.  And he will make you holy and blameless for his own sake, the reconciliation of all things to himself.

A lesson on dependence, Christian self-improvement

John Piper's catchphrase is "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in him."  Less of the Christian Hedonist, Mark Driscoll has once said, "God is most glorified in us, when we are most dependent on him."  I like both, but prefer Driscoll's in this particular case.  The context in which Driscoll said this was in a sermon on prayer.  Why do we need to pray?  Because we are dependent on God and His Spirit, and the way that we express that dependence is through prayer.

This Fall, I will be entering a season where I am going to have A LOT on my plate.  I will be retaking the two hardest classes in my grad program.  That would be enough to pretty much fill up my calendar due to the amount of studying that I will need to be doing.  My grad program has also scheduled me to do a presentation of this year's work in December.  This would be enough for me to need to develop time-management skills because if I don't make time for that, I will be stressing about it in November.  Also, I and the leader of my Missional Community (Coram Deo's version of small groups) want me to start getting involved in discipling other men, I will be needing to make time to meet with some folks.  This alone is a reason for me to be in constant prayer as leaders are taking on the responsibility not only for their own soul, but that of another.  It at the very least adds an amount of urgency to the dependence that I already ought to be feeling.  Finally, the Guard will be scheduling me for a Physical Fitness test in November.  At my current state of fitness and rate of improvement, a failure would be almost certain, resulting in dismissal from the Guard.  I honestly feel like crawling in a hole.  

So, what do we know about dependence?  I know for a fact that I am doomed to fail, because I would much rather go to work, put as little effort into my 4-6 hours of work as possible, then go home and maybe hang out with some friends over coffee.  No Holy Spirit required there.  Indeed, even if I put in a lot of extra effort and overcame my limitations, the Holy Spirit is not necessarily needed.  So how is God glorified?  God is glorified when I pray for strength from God, fight to exhaustion, and trust God's goodness for the results no matter what.  If all I do is fight, I have no power from the Spirit, and God gets no glory.  What makes self-improvement inherently Christian is when we place our faith in the Spirit for the power and the results (Hebrews 12:2).  That way, if the Father wills our failure, we acknowledge that we are still being served by God, our faith is refined by fire, and we rejoice in God because he has empowered us to overcome spiritual trials.  God receives the glory (2 Cor 12:9).  If God wills our victory, we rejoice in God for his mercy and power to overcome earthly trials.  God still receives the glory.  When we tell God he is good, God is pleased because we have said what is right.

So this is my lesson:  Pray to exhaustion.  Saturate in God's word so my faith has a foundation.  Place my faith in God's goodness and power.  Fight to exhaustion.  Trust God for the results (Psalm 20:7).  

The Fear of God

There is a doctrine that's been very confusing to me which I think I've finally begun to understand.  It's the doctrine of "the fear of God".  I've asked a lot of people about this, and (forgive me if I seem arrogant) I've never been satisfied with the default, go-to answers that never really seem all that thought out.  "The fear of the Lord is to be in awe of him, like we feel at awe when we look at a storm."  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Do you ever wonder why this is so confusing?  Empty your mind of every doctrinal belief that you've had before this moment and place just one phrase in your mind:  "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom"  There are few sentences with simpler structure: a subject, a verb, and a prepositional phrase, all filled with words we already know.  What do we conclude?  If you are afraid of God, you have begun to be wise.  So why do we need someone to explain it to us?  We don't, we need someone to UNEXPLAIN it to us!  We, especially we insane people in the padded room of American security, prefer not to inconvenience ourselves by receiving our doctrine from the Bible.

We in American culture don't see the God of the Bible in our lives.  This is because the God of the Bible has set men on fire, drowned the planet, hardened the heart of a king and unleashed plagues on him and his people, unleashed pestilence on a blameless man and had his children killed, opened the earth to swallow his redeemed people, handed people over to bloodthirsty tyrants, and even crushed the Son of Glory under the cross of the condemned.  You think you have nothing to be afraid of?  What are you most afraid of?  Really think about it.  Now consider that you are in eternal debt to that God, and he has all power to unleash that very reality on you, and much more.  Now consider that you've spent your life serving a god of your own making, one who is more to your liking, who is not dreadful, who is perhaps inspired by the God of the Bible, but isn't him.  Now consider that God's wrath has always burned hot against his stiff-necked people who would prefer to serve a god of gold rather than be corrected by his word as to who he really is. They weren't any more adulterous than me!  Who in the Bible is described as those who seek teachers to tickle their ears?


No, dear sinner, we should be afraid of God.  It's a mercy toward us that God would flex his holiness before our eyes.  What a great act of mercy was worked through Uzzah who dropped dead when he touched the Ark of the Covenant.  We are baffled by such stories because of the false gods that we craft in our heart.  "The God of love," we suppose, "doesn't really act this way does he?  At least he wouldn't act this way on the Christian TV shows and movies that I watch.  I thought my God was a god of love!"  What a grace it is toward us to be baffled.  


There is an enormous tension within God between his holiness and his love.  Sometimes it's good to emphasize one at the risk of heresy toward the other.  Here I've emphasized his holiness so that we can truly begin to fear the God of the universe who is holy, holy, holy; who is completely and utterly set apart within himself to bring about his glory, displayed in his works.  When we are gripped, GRIPPED with dread, despairing for life in front of God, we are driven in abandon to fall on our would-be-proud faces begging for mercy; kissing as it were, the feet of the God we've slighted and treated with contempt because his weightiness has been an inconvenience in our lives.  And in his mercy, perhaps he'll leave us there for a minute because our impermeable skulls accept truth so unwillingly.  That is our true position, begging for mercy before a God with whom we have nothing to barter.  


And in fear we are wise because those who are truly gripped by how awful God is, don't live a life of rebellion toward him.  I don't waste money on myself when I know that an awful God is at work in the lives of the poor.  Do I?  I keep short accounts with those against whom I've sinned and who have sinned against me.  God has especially dreadful things to say about the fate of the unforgiving.  Let these words change your view of God.  It is the prerogative of God to tell us the nature of himself and of men.  And, gripped with fear toward God, fears in this world become petty.  What torture can we be put through that is worse than falling into the hands of an angry God.  Deeply consider that in light of your fears from above.


But it's true, God's love is also greater than we can imagine.  How encouraging, relieving, heart wrenching, how tear-jerking it is to know that the God who is sovereign, is a God who has placed a Spirit of sonship within us, and we call this God "abba", "Daddy".  If we do see torture, we have a double encouragement of knowing that we are receiving far less than we deserve and knowing that God is giving to us from out of his love and passion for making us into his glorious image.


Oh, Father.  Wrap us in your arms.  We know that we deserve no love from you, yet you grip us with it.  Nothing in our hands we bring, but only to the cross we cling.  


Soli Deo Gloria