What I miss about being a scientist is the ability to preface my statements with the authoritative claim of being a member of the field about which I'm speaking; thus, to be the one with the most important opinion in the room. To be, in fact, the most important person in the room. I wanted to become a competent scientist so that I can speak authoritatively about Creationism. The way that PhD scientists could call people to account if they didn't believe in a 6-day creation was enviable, and I wanted it. Oh if only I could become a scientist also! People would think twice before disagreeing with me, or at least hold their hat in their hands when they do so. I do actually enjoy learning and understanding, but this doesn't seem to be enough to get me to the goal of a PhD, and what hurts the most is the loss of the authority that the title brings. But being in this situation where I am possibly no longer pursuing a PhD has given me a unique vantage point. Seeing who I was while pursuing a PhD, what drove me, what I longed for, the way I related to people when discussing things like Science, Creationism, Cancer, Medical Ethics, it makes me wonder how could I ever truly love someone when I so badly wanted to get the intellectual upper hand. How could I even love my job under those circumstances?
Now I have fits of enjoyment when I speak to people about cancer, or when I am able to look down on some self-congratulatory statement by an atheist who claims to be the holder of "reason" and "thoughtfulness", when it is in fact I who am pursuing a PhD. But it's nothing more than me still fighting for my pride like a madman, like Macbeth still fighting for his sovereignty after Birnam forest was on his doorstep. How dreadful would I have been if I had achieved what I sought after? When people praised me for my great work and sought me out as the one who had the answers? I would never need God again. I would stretch my audience and my friends out over my inflated ego, maybe write a book or two. Don't I already get angry when I'm not able to get my own points in during my bible study? or worse, when someone else makes the point that I was wanting to make? When the silence is too short for me to speak up and still appear humble. I MUST appear thoughtful and intelligent. It's no wonder I am ruined after failing a grad program, and getting demoted in the Guard, and in addition, now it looks like I'm not all that theologically competent either. It's obvious I can't hack it.
This is what happens when you try to stretch something temporal over the space that only God can fill. Only God can hold form when positioned to fill the ego. You try to cover the sore left by an empty ego with anything other than God's opinion of you, and you will tear that thing. It is unloving to try to lean on people to be the constant source of identity (good father, good teacher, competent lover, cherished husband) and irresponsible to try to lean on hobbies or occupation (moving to the top, knowledgeable craftsman, good work out there). God does not need me to offer competence to him, he has all the competence he needs in the Spirit's work in the hearts of his people. I can stop working to try to build up a justifying resume. That work was already done in Christ, and I have HIS resume, HIS competence, HIS curriculum vitae.
Now what do I do? Repent of the way that I have built up an identity outside of Christ. Believe that I am sufficient and loved by the Father no less if I am less intellectual and no more if I am more intellectual. Use what I know as a springboard toward repentance and faith in Christ, both for myself and for others. In love, point to Christ, not trying to draw attention to myself, but appreciating that the Spirit is the one leading discussions, and he will draw all men to Christ, and save those whom the Father has given to Christ, and how blessed am I if I am a tool in His hand.
