If at any point I prayed that God would "cleanse me with hyssop", he has delivered. I still hold to my pride, but God endures in his disciplining of his child. I get so angry, I feel I have no reason at all to be proud any more, but yet I hold to it. I got married, she left me. I pursued a PhD, and I failed and left. I have a military career, but I was demoted because of fitness standards, and I can't remember so much as how to start the plane I'm supposedly qualified to fix. I feel as though I'm not good at anything. I've failed, and all I have left is the prayer of the Puritans.
"If thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be thou.
Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies.
Help me to honor thee by believing before I feel."
Amen. I know my Father is good, even if he doesn't somehow give me the motivation to work out. Even if I don't have the time to get back into the PhD program. Even if I never date again. If my career until I die will be to forever be a pharmacy tech, I know that my Father is good. He has made me poor and vile. I depend on him, and trust him. I desire to reenter the PhD program and pass my fitness exam with excellent scores, but more than anything else, I want to honor God by depending on him for faith, and life, and being.
One thing I don't understand is what it means to work in the power of Christ, in the power of the Spirit. In matters of faith, I know that I trust in Christ for salvation. I'm saved because I have his righteousness. But does that mean I'm on my own when it comes to things like fitness and educational success? Does God only care that I succeed or fail while believing in the finished work of Christ for reconciliation with the Father? I know that repentance should mean that I think of myself less. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.
God help me.
"If thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be thou.
Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies.
Help me to honor thee by believing before I feel."
Amen. I know my Father is good, even if he doesn't somehow give me the motivation to work out. Even if I don't have the time to get back into the PhD program. Even if I never date again. If my career until I die will be to forever be a pharmacy tech, I know that my Father is good. He has made me poor and vile. I depend on him, and trust him. I desire to reenter the PhD program and pass my fitness exam with excellent scores, but more than anything else, I want to honor God by depending on him for faith, and life, and being.
One thing I don't understand is what it means to work in the power of Christ, in the power of the Spirit. In matters of faith, I know that I trust in Christ for salvation. I'm saved because I have his righteousness. But does that mean I'm on my own when it comes to things like fitness and educational success? Does God only care that I succeed or fail while believing in the finished work of Christ for reconciliation with the Father? I know that repentance should mean that I think of myself less. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.
God help me.
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